This week wasn't really a great one for me. I did a lot of work/school then coming home and sitting on the couch doing nothing. I watched a lot of movies though. I guess I just really didn't want to talk to anyone or be with anyone for that matter. Been pretty depressed. I decided yesterday that it would probably be a good idea for me to get out though. So I went to Western to chill with Ryan. It was a good time and nice to get away from home for a bit. I came home today about 1:30 and went over to Brad's where we carved pumpkins and yeaaa I was working on mine until Brad had to leave for work at 5:15. Then I went home and carved the pumpkins my parents got me and I worked on that until like 9:30. I'm still really not completely done with either of them....kinda sad but they turned out pretty sweet so far! I put them on facebook if you want to see. Then back over to Brad's I went. We watched the original Amnityville Horror which turned out to be really stupid so we stopped that and watched Anaconda which was still stupid but not as stupid. Now I'm home and I really should be sleeping cause now I'm probably going to fall asleep in church.
I really need to eat more. Like I just realized today that I had breakfast and then a breadstick like at 7 or 8 and that's all I ate today. I didn't even notice that I was hungry or anything and I'm not hungry now. Then again I really don't want to eat more because Friday my Dad was all like "Have you been losing weight?" and I"m like "yea" and he was like "Well you look good!" so that totally made my day cause if you know my parents, they are not afraid to say it how it is and tell me I need to work out more. I've lost 15 pounds so far and I would like to lose 10 more but 5 would also be fine.
I could go on about a lot of stuff. But i'm not going to. I need sleep. Night
Lana
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Someday
Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.
Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?
I'm done.
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.
Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?
I'm done.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Words
Sad
Heartbroken
Devastated
Anger
Loss
Depressed
Longing
so much more...
Two friends. Two true friends that have always been there for me. They are all I have left right now. Brad and Josh I thank you so much.
Ryan, Matt, and Lauren, friends that I am able to talk to about everything. Thank you also. You guys are good to me.
I want to be friends with everyone else. But it does't work when only one persons tries to put forth an effort.
Love me for who I am. Don't hate me for what I'm not. It's in your hands now. I'm done here.
Heartbroken
Devastated
Anger
Loss
Depressed
Longing
so much more...
Two friends. Two true friends that have always been there for me. They are all I have left right now. Brad and Josh I thank you so much.
Ryan, Matt, and Lauren, friends that I am able to talk to about everything. Thank you also. You guys are good to me.
I want to be friends with everyone else. But it does't work when only one persons tries to put forth an effort.
Love me for who I am. Don't hate me for what I'm not. It's in your hands now. I'm done here.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Words can't bring me down
Don't look at me
Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, i saw debris
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed
I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today
To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone left the puzzle undone
That's the way it is
You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
Don't you bring me down today...
No matter what we do
(no matter what we do)
No matter what they say
(no matter what they say)
When the sun is shining through
Then the clouds won't stay
And everywhere we go
(everywhere we go)
The sun won't always shine
(sun won't always shine)
But tomorrow will find a way
All the other times
'cause we are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down, oh no
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today
I am so sick of people. If you have a problem then fucking talk about it! Confront the issue. Confront the person but don't just sit there and hope everything works out for itself. Cause guess what? If you don't do anything...it won't! And yea maybe i confront people a little too harshly sometimes and can get annoying doing it but at least i'm trying to fix something even if it ends up pointless like it has recently. So that is why I haven't said anything to anyone even though i have so many things to say but obviously i'm just going to look like a huge bitch saying them now. Even though it does seem like the only way to get anything across to people now is by bitching them out now.
Also i'm sick of hearing complaining about how life sucks because of lack or money or sucking at school or what not. Hears an idea. Do something about it! Get a job. Go to class and actually pay attention and do your homework. Actually try and then maybe things won't suck so bad. And hears a thought too. How bout try being nice and happy to people for a change and then maybe they will be nice and happy to you back and you might actually feel better about yourself and your life. Yea i have things to work on in these categories but at least i'm actually well i was actually trying to fix things and make things better. Yea it doesn't always work out like i've been finding out but at least i know i made and effort and if people still aren't happy with me and find me annoying then that's their problem not mine. Just stop taking it out on me behind my back. I haven't done anything to anyone so please, if you have nothing nice to say about me, then don't say anything to anyone at all. Ohh and don't say you care about me when you really don't because people who actually care would actually talk to me and tell me the truth instead of ignoring me and pretending i'm not there when other people are around. And don't pretend to dislike someone just because someone else doesn't like them or don't let someone drag you back into being a high schooler having to bitch about everything and everyone when they make you upset and things dont go your way. Yea i'm bitching right now, true, but i believe I have that right at the moment cause i've held it in long enough.
I am sorry if I offended anyone or am being rude but those are just my thoughts and if you disagree and find something I say totally wrong. Then fucking tell me and then maybe I actually might know what's going on instead of just assuming things by what I hear, what i hear from other people and what I see. Who know! maybe I am hugely over-reacting to all this and I have really no reason to be upset. But I won't know unless someone tells me so now will i?
Grow up. Move on from the high school drama shit, start moving forward and try and be a grown person for once. We can be great in life if we actually try.
If you really want to be my friend...just talk to me and if not tell me and we will be done.
Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, i saw debris
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed
I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today
To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone left the puzzle undone
That's the way it is
You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
Don't you bring me down today...
No matter what we do
(no matter what we do)
No matter what they say
(no matter what they say)
When the sun is shining through
Then the clouds won't stay
And everywhere we go
(everywhere we go)
The sun won't always shine
(sun won't always shine)
But tomorrow will find a way
All the other times
'cause we are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down, oh no
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today
I am so sick of people. If you have a problem then fucking talk about it! Confront the issue. Confront the person but don't just sit there and hope everything works out for itself. Cause guess what? If you don't do anything...it won't! And yea maybe i confront people a little too harshly sometimes and can get annoying doing it but at least i'm trying to fix something even if it ends up pointless like it has recently. So that is why I haven't said anything to anyone even though i have so many things to say but obviously i'm just going to look like a huge bitch saying them now. Even though it does seem like the only way to get anything across to people now is by bitching them out now.
Also i'm sick of hearing complaining about how life sucks because of lack or money or sucking at school or what not. Hears an idea. Do something about it! Get a job. Go to class and actually pay attention and do your homework. Actually try and then maybe things won't suck so bad. And hears a thought too. How bout try being nice and happy to people for a change and then maybe they will be nice and happy to you back and you might actually feel better about yourself and your life. Yea i have things to work on in these categories but at least i'm actually well i was actually trying to fix things and make things better. Yea it doesn't always work out like i've been finding out but at least i know i made and effort and if people still aren't happy with me and find me annoying then that's their problem not mine. Just stop taking it out on me behind my back. I haven't done anything to anyone so please, if you have nothing nice to say about me, then don't say anything to anyone at all. Ohh and don't say you care about me when you really don't because people who actually care would actually talk to me and tell me the truth instead of ignoring me and pretending i'm not there when other people are around. And don't pretend to dislike someone just because someone else doesn't like them or don't let someone drag you back into being a high schooler having to bitch about everything and everyone when they make you upset and things dont go your way. Yea i'm bitching right now, true, but i believe I have that right at the moment cause i've held it in long enough.
I am sorry if I offended anyone or am being rude but those are just my thoughts and if you disagree and find something I say totally wrong. Then fucking tell me and then maybe I actually might know what's going on instead of just assuming things by what I hear, what i hear from other people and what I see. Who know! maybe I am hugely over-reacting to all this and I have really no reason to be upset. But I won't know unless someone tells me so now will i?
Grow up. Move on from the high school drama shit, start moving forward and try and be a grown person for once. We can be great in life if we actually try.
If you really want to be my friend...just talk to me and if not tell me and we will be done.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
I don't get it.
I've lately been bothered greatly by certain things. Most having to do with friends. I am lost and very confused on what is going on and frankly, I'm starting to get pissed.
I've begun to realize that I have friends that really care about me, that will text me when concerned, that will do anything to cheer me up, and that listen to me when I need to talk. I have friends that what to stay on everyone's good side so they will say whatever someone wants to hear just to keep them happy even if it's not true or they just won't talk at all cause they fear it will cause drama. Then I have friends who like to say they are my friends when really they don't care about me at all and rather me not be around.
This all is really hard for me because my friends are some of the most important people in my life but when some of them start treating me the way they are, it hurts me so much. I would give anything for them. I would be there for them whenever they need me. I would do anything they need me to do and I wouldn't even get that in return.
I don't get it. I don't understand what I did wrong to deserve this. I don't know why I annoy them. I don't know why they rather me not be around. I don't know why they don't talk to me. What did I do? And we all used to be such great friends and get along all the time so what happened? Why do I feel like its all my fault? That i'm the cause.
I know that I can get annoying sometimes. I know that I can get bitchy sometimes and argue a lot. But really who doesn't? No one had a problem with it before? So why now? I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. Everyone does. It's part of life.
People hardly tell me anything anymore. Everything is kept like a secret from me or i'm lied to. Seriously though. I'm a big girl. If I am told the truth like "sorry we just don't want to hang with you tonight" or "I'm hanging out with so and so" I would be perfectly fine with that. I'm not going to get all upset and make a huge deal about it. The only time I do that is when I find out that I'm being lied to my face. And I've hung out with the same people for a while now and I can pretty much tell when they are lying to me and when they are being honest.
And why does everyone think I'm going to start drama? I haven't started any sort of drama for a long time. I've grown a lot and have learned a lot of things in the past year. I'm not going to go out and be like omg he said this about me and this about you and I can't believe you did that, I'm gonna be so pissed off at you. No. That's just dumb. I know when to open my mouth and when to keep it closed. I'm not going to start drama. Yea I may hear things that I don't want to hear but oh well. That's life and I can't do anything about that. That doesn't mean I'm going to start drama.
Also yea I am really emotionally and get upset easily. But if anyone has been through what I have been through, they would be too. My life still isn't easy for me. I struggle everyday and it used to be that when I was having a horrible day, I would just go hang out with my friends and I would forget everything and be super happy. That doesn't happen anymore because some friends are against me now. I don't twitter what I'm feeling or anything for attention. I do it cause I need to say something somewhere because it all builds up inside me and I go crazy.
Cause of everything I've been through, it hurts when I try to turn to my friends and I get rejected. I've been in tears so many times because my friends all hate me, they don't want me around, i never get invited to hang out anymore, what have I done to make them hate me so much, how can i fix this? Heck I am in tears right now just writing this. So yea...i'm a lot more emotional than some people are, and yea I over-react but that's because I'm scared to lose my friends, I'm scared to have the past repeat itself, i'm scared of my future. I feel that after the 3 plus years i've known these friends, that they would know me by now, they would know how much I struggle with myself and with my life and they would be more understanding of how I am and the way I act but that doesn't seem to be the case at all.
I feel like we all lack major communication between us all. Things said within a small group travel very fast. It is so easy to misinterpret something someone said and just believe it without actually confirming if it is true or not. I feel like that's why it is so easy for some people to get so mad at someone. Someone might say "Oh they said that" when the person who said it didn't mean it that way at all. Texting is especially dangerous cause what may seem and innocent remark to the sender, the person recieving it may think it is a rude sarcastic remark and then they read it in that tone to someone else and they go "omg i can't believe they said that, how rude" when that wasn't even how it was suppose to be at all. Then it starts the whole oh they are such a bad person and we can't hang around with someone that does and says things like that. And people will hold onto that stuff for a long time and not let it go or try talking to the person they are mad at so it just stays and builds.
Sooo pretty much to sum it up. I don't get what I did cause no one will tell me. I love my friends so much and I just wish they would be my friends back. We all need to be honest and we all need to actually talk to one another.
I'm honestly trying my best to be a better person and to treat people the way that I would want to be treated. It's a hard thing to do but it is very possible. I am truly sorry if I ever hurt someone or upset them by saying something rude, sarcastic, or mean, or by any of my actions. I don't want people to hate me and I really want to be friends. Please don't judge me on my past, just judge me on me right now by talking to me and getting to know me and I do the same for you.
I'm just tired of feeling left out, feeling alone, feeling like I don't fit in anywhere. Like no body understands me really. I hope eventually those feelings will all go away but for now they are very real and still apart of me everyday.
I am sick. My body is aching in pain all over. My throat is soar. My head feels like it is going to explode. I really can't afford to be sick and hopefully it won't last long and only gets better. I hate being sick. So not fun. Boo.
Well seeing as lots of rest and sleep helps you on your way to recovery, I should probably get on that. Thanks for listening to my ranting and sorry about that too. Just need to get it out kinda. Well Good night to you all!
Lana
I've begun to realize that I have friends that really care about me, that will text me when concerned, that will do anything to cheer me up, and that listen to me when I need to talk. I have friends that what to stay on everyone's good side so they will say whatever someone wants to hear just to keep them happy even if it's not true or they just won't talk at all cause they fear it will cause drama. Then I have friends who like to say they are my friends when really they don't care about me at all and rather me not be around.
This all is really hard for me because my friends are some of the most important people in my life but when some of them start treating me the way they are, it hurts me so much. I would give anything for them. I would be there for them whenever they need me. I would do anything they need me to do and I wouldn't even get that in return.
I don't get it. I don't understand what I did wrong to deserve this. I don't know why I annoy them. I don't know why they rather me not be around. I don't know why they don't talk to me. What did I do? And we all used to be such great friends and get along all the time so what happened? Why do I feel like its all my fault? That i'm the cause.
I know that I can get annoying sometimes. I know that I can get bitchy sometimes and argue a lot. But really who doesn't? No one had a problem with it before? So why now? I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. Everyone does. It's part of life.
People hardly tell me anything anymore. Everything is kept like a secret from me or i'm lied to. Seriously though. I'm a big girl. If I am told the truth like "sorry we just don't want to hang with you tonight" or "I'm hanging out with so and so" I would be perfectly fine with that. I'm not going to get all upset and make a huge deal about it. The only time I do that is when I find out that I'm being lied to my face. And I've hung out with the same people for a while now and I can pretty much tell when they are lying to me and when they are being honest.
And why does everyone think I'm going to start drama? I haven't started any sort of drama for a long time. I've grown a lot and have learned a lot of things in the past year. I'm not going to go out and be like omg he said this about me and this about you and I can't believe you did that, I'm gonna be so pissed off at you. No. That's just dumb. I know when to open my mouth and when to keep it closed. I'm not going to start drama. Yea I may hear things that I don't want to hear but oh well. That's life and I can't do anything about that. That doesn't mean I'm going to start drama.
Also yea I am really emotionally and get upset easily. But if anyone has been through what I have been through, they would be too. My life still isn't easy for me. I struggle everyday and it used to be that when I was having a horrible day, I would just go hang out with my friends and I would forget everything and be super happy. That doesn't happen anymore because some friends are against me now. I don't twitter what I'm feeling or anything for attention. I do it cause I need to say something somewhere because it all builds up inside me and I go crazy.
Cause of everything I've been through, it hurts when I try to turn to my friends and I get rejected. I've been in tears so many times because my friends all hate me, they don't want me around, i never get invited to hang out anymore, what have I done to make them hate me so much, how can i fix this? Heck I am in tears right now just writing this. So yea...i'm a lot more emotional than some people are, and yea I over-react but that's because I'm scared to lose my friends, I'm scared to have the past repeat itself, i'm scared of my future. I feel that after the 3 plus years i've known these friends, that they would know me by now, they would know how much I struggle with myself and with my life and they would be more understanding of how I am and the way I act but that doesn't seem to be the case at all.
I feel like we all lack major communication between us all. Things said within a small group travel very fast. It is so easy to misinterpret something someone said and just believe it without actually confirming if it is true or not. I feel like that's why it is so easy for some people to get so mad at someone. Someone might say "Oh they said that" when the person who said it didn't mean it that way at all. Texting is especially dangerous cause what may seem and innocent remark to the sender, the person recieving it may think it is a rude sarcastic remark and then they read it in that tone to someone else and they go "omg i can't believe they said that, how rude" when that wasn't even how it was suppose to be at all. Then it starts the whole oh they are such a bad person and we can't hang around with someone that does and says things like that. And people will hold onto that stuff for a long time and not let it go or try talking to the person they are mad at so it just stays and builds.
Sooo pretty much to sum it up. I don't get what I did cause no one will tell me. I love my friends so much and I just wish they would be my friends back. We all need to be honest and we all need to actually talk to one another.
I'm honestly trying my best to be a better person and to treat people the way that I would want to be treated. It's a hard thing to do but it is very possible. I am truly sorry if I ever hurt someone or upset them by saying something rude, sarcastic, or mean, or by any of my actions. I don't want people to hate me and I really want to be friends. Please don't judge me on my past, just judge me on me right now by talking to me and getting to know me and I do the same for you.
I'm just tired of feeling left out, feeling alone, feeling like I don't fit in anywhere. Like no body understands me really. I hope eventually those feelings will all go away but for now they are very real and still apart of me everyday.
I am sick. My body is aching in pain all over. My throat is soar. My head feels like it is going to explode. I really can't afford to be sick and hopefully it won't last long and only gets better. I hate being sick. So not fun. Boo.
Well seeing as lots of rest and sleep helps you on your way to recovery, I should probably get on that. Thanks for listening to my ranting and sorry about that too. Just need to get it out kinda. Well Good night to you all!
Lana
Thursday, October 21, 2010
With death comes life
Everything went very well both yesterday and today. A lot of people came to the visitation and quite a bit to the funeral. It was all put together so lovely. I was one of the people to help put her casket into the hurst or whatever it's called. That was really a tough thing to do for sure.
It is amazing how many people my Grandma touched during her life. No one could dislike her ever. She was always happy to see everyone and she was one of the sweetest, kindest people around. She was really loved by so many and it makes it that much harder to see her go.
I miss her so much already.
I find it so amazing that even with the hurt and sadness of death, we celebrate life. The life that my Grandma lived and the new life she is living now. We even celebrate the new life coming into this world. At the burial site after Grandma was lowered into the ground and many tears were shed; I watched as my Aunt turned away from the casket and smiled hugely at the site of her newest granddaughter all wrapped up in her stroller. As one generation leaves, another one comes. Life and death will always be a continuous part of this world and as hard as death may be, it's the life you need to think about and remember cause that is what really counts. We celebrated two births today. The birth of my Grandma into this world, and the birth of her into God's hands in heaven.
I hope to live on in my Grandmother's footsteps. To be the person we all remember her to be. She was truly amazing and I know that she lives on in my heart and will guide me in the right path.
Rest in peace Grandma.
Night
Lana
P.S. The pizza was a really good idea Grandma, glad we could fulfill that wish of yours and as my Aunt would say "You finally did not wake up and say "OH shit, I'm still here"" Love you =)
It is amazing how many people my Grandma touched during her life. No one could dislike her ever. She was always happy to see everyone and she was one of the sweetest, kindest people around. She was really loved by so many and it makes it that much harder to see her go.
I miss her so much already.
I find it so amazing that even with the hurt and sadness of death, we celebrate life. The life that my Grandma lived and the new life she is living now. We even celebrate the new life coming into this world. At the burial site after Grandma was lowered into the ground and many tears were shed; I watched as my Aunt turned away from the casket and smiled hugely at the site of her newest granddaughter all wrapped up in her stroller. As one generation leaves, another one comes. Life and death will always be a continuous part of this world and as hard as death may be, it's the life you need to think about and remember cause that is what really counts. We celebrated two births today. The birth of my Grandma into this world, and the birth of her into God's hands in heaven.
I hope to live on in my Grandmother's footsteps. To be the person we all remember her to be. She was truly amazing and I know that she lives on in my heart and will guide me in the right path.
Rest in peace Grandma.
Night
Lana
P.S. The pizza was a really good idea Grandma, glad we could fulfill that wish of yours and as my Aunt would say "You finally did not wake up and say "OH shit, I'm still here"" Love you =)
Monday, October 18, 2010
Rest in peace Grandma Northouse.
This morning was rough. I had my alarm set for 5:00 am and of course was hitting the snooze button. As I was laying there in between hitting the snooze, I heard the phone ring. My heart sank. I knew that it had to be "the call" but I was crossing my fingers that it wasn't, though who would really be calling at 5:15 in the morning. I heard my Dad getting up and find my mom. I could hear them talking. A few mins later my Dad opened the door. I looked at him, he looked at me and said "Grandma passed away this morning around 4:00am, that was Aunt Terry on the phone. They said she went peacefully in her sleep." Of course I instantly started crying. Dad came over and hugged me. He told me that I should try and go into work and see if I can make it through the day though he was sure they would be fine with it if I had to leave.
I got up, went downstairs to eat breakfast. Mom came up and gave me a hug too and I ate in silence. After I went upstairs to get ready. I put my hair up and put on my work clothes. I lost it though. I couldn't stop crying enough to put on my make-up and finally I went downstairs and walked straight up to my mom and hugged her and she said "You can't go into work today...not like this." All I could do was shake my head. She offered to call but I said I could do it. I went upstairs and dialed sunsets number and asked for someone that I was working with. All I said was "My grandma passed away a couple of hours ago" and she said "I'm so sorry, don't worry about coming in today, we will cover it" Thank goodness they are understanding. I hung up and went back to sleep.
I woke up finally at 11:45ish. Still feeling like I could sleep more but decided that I should get up. Mom and Dad were gone. Katie said they went to meet with my Dad's sisters and talk about funeral things. I didn't feel like doing much so I sat around in the basement till like 3 and finally got up to take a shower. It started to become a steady on and off with the tears. Random things would pop into my mind causing the flow to start all over again. It is so hard to get over the shock that she isn't going to be around anymore. I have never had someone I was this close to pass away before. it is so much harder than I thought it would be.
I'm just so thankful that I got to see her yesterday even though that was tough. She was 85 and lived a full happy life surrounded by family and friends who loved her dearly and I know she is up there in heaven with my Grandpa now, finally at peace, no more pain and suffering and she is having a wonderful time. I'm going to miss her so much though but someday I will see her again.
I'm going to try and stick out the day tomorrow. I work at the zoo from 8-4 and then have class from 4:30-6:45. It's my longest day of the week and it usually drains me but hopefully it won't be too bad tomorrow and it will go quick. Visitation isn't until Wednesday and the funeral is Thursday. It's going to be a rough week for sure but thank goodness for all the family and friends that care and help me make it through.
Well I should really be sleeping right now so I"m going to go try that. Hope everyone has a good night and a great day tomorrow.
Rest in peace Grandma Northouse. I love you so much and will miss you dearly.
Night
Lana
I got up, went downstairs to eat breakfast. Mom came up and gave me a hug too and I ate in silence. After I went upstairs to get ready. I put my hair up and put on my work clothes. I lost it though. I couldn't stop crying enough to put on my make-up and finally I went downstairs and walked straight up to my mom and hugged her and she said "You can't go into work today...not like this." All I could do was shake my head. She offered to call but I said I could do it. I went upstairs and dialed sunsets number and asked for someone that I was working with. All I said was "My grandma passed away a couple of hours ago" and she said "I'm so sorry, don't worry about coming in today, we will cover it" Thank goodness they are understanding. I hung up and went back to sleep.
I woke up finally at 11:45ish. Still feeling like I could sleep more but decided that I should get up. Mom and Dad were gone. Katie said they went to meet with my Dad's sisters and talk about funeral things. I didn't feel like doing much so I sat around in the basement till like 3 and finally got up to take a shower. It started to become a steady on and off with the tears. Random things would pop into my mind causing the flow to start all over again. It is so hard to get over the shock that she isn't going to be around anymore. I have never had someone I was this close to pass away before. it is so much harder than I thought it would be.
I'm just so thankful that I got to see her yesterday even though that was tough. She was 85 and lived a full happy life surrounded by family and friends who loved her dearly and I know she is up there in heaven with my Grandpa now, finally at peace, no more pain and suffering and she is having a wonderful time. I'm going to miss her so much though but someday I will see her again.
I'm going to try and stick out the day tomorrow. I work at the zoo from 8-4 and then have class from 4:30-6:45. It's my longest day of the week and it usually drains me but hopefully it won't be too bad tomorrow and it will go quick. Visitation isn't until Wednesday and the funeral is Thursday. It's going to be a rough week for sure but thank goodness for all the family and friends that care and help me make it through.
Well I should really be sleeping right now so I"m going to go try that. Hope everyone has a good night and a great day tomorrow.
Rest in peace Grandma Northouse. I love you so much and will miss you dearly.
Night
Lana
Sunday, October 17, 2010
I love you
I had a pretty good day over all...kinda. Church was good...although i was falling asleep....haha. Then we went out for breakfast after church and it was sooooo yummy!!! Yay good food. Then after that we went to visit my Grandma Northouse...that was not good at.
Two weeks ago my Grandma looked bad but not that bad. She could hear, talk, and was able to move. Today she looked awful. She can't get out of bed, she can't talk and she barely noticed we were there. We tried talking to her but all she did was stare at no where. Eventually my Dad was like "Mom? Mom can you hear me? I love you" I completely lost it right there and started bawling my eyes out. My sister and my mom followed with I love you's too. Then my Grandma looks over at us and manages to barely mouth I love you too back to us. It is so hard watching someone die. I can't even begin to explain it. It's even harder when you are really close to that person. A few mins later my Dad leaned over to me and asked me if I wanted to say goodbye to her. We were going to leave but I knew it wasn't just a normal goodbye, it was a goodbye forever. It took me a couple mins to compose myself. I leaned over, kissed her on the forehead and whispered "Goodbye Grandma, I love you" Hardest words to ever speak to someone. My mom went after me and I barely heard her say "Just let go and leave, you don't have to hang on for us, we love you a lot but you shouldn't fight any longer." It's so true. I didn't want to hear those words though. Leaving that place was so hard. I know for sure that that is the last time I will ever see my Grandma alive. The blood is already starting to stop fully circulating through her body. Mom says that she only has days left. It's just one more bad thing to add to my list.
After the visit we went home and i say around and decided to go to the mall to visit Brad! So I did and we talked for like an hour or so. It was really dead there so it was all good. After that I went home and played catch with my Dad and like three of the neighbor kids ran over to see what we were doing and then of course they wanted to join it. They were so cutee. I'm guessing like ages 5,6 and 7 or 8. Then I realized I had to be a Brad's like soon so I flew out of there to his house and went with him and his family downtown for their family pictures. It was pretty fun. It w as a beautiful day too. After that we went home and ate food and scott came over and then we headed to the theater to watch Jackass 3D with Grant, Aaron, and Michelle. The movie was totally awesome. I laughed like the whole time. There were for sure some really gross parts though that I couldn't even look.
After the movie I brought Scott and Brad back to Brad's house and then went over to Matt Nelson's house to hang out with him for a while. Caleb was over when I got there and we all just chilled and watched youtube videos. Then Josh showed up and Caleb left and we spent the next hour doing nothing...just talked. It was good to see them both.
Now it is bed time cause I have to work bright and early at 6am. Not too excited about that...that's for sure. I have the whole rest of the day off after that though so it's not so bad.
Well that is all for tonight. Night!
Lana
Two weeks ago my Grandma looked bad but not that bad. She could hear, talk, and was able to move. Today she looked awful. She can't get out of bed, she can't talk and she barely noticed we were there. We tried talking to her but all she did was stare at no where. Eventually my Dad was like "Mom? Mom can you hear me? I love you" I completely lost it right there and started bawling my eyes out. My sister and my mom followed with I love you's too. Then my Grandma looks over at us and manages to barely mouth I love you too back to us. It is so hard watching someone die. I can't even begin to explain it. It's even harder when you are really close to that person. A few mins later my Dad leaned over to me and asked me if I wanted to say goodbye to her. We were going to leave but I knew it wasn't just a normal goodbye, it was a goodbye forever. It took me a couple mins to compose myself. I leaned over, kissed her on the forehead and whispered "Goodbye Grandma, I love you" Hardest words to ever speak to someone. My mom went after me and I barely heard her say "Just let go and leave, you don't have to hang on for us, we love you a lot but you shouldn't fight any longer." It's so true. I didn't want to hear those words though. Leaving that place was so hard. I know for sure that that is the last time I will ever see my Grandma alive. The blood is already starting to stop fully circulating through her body. Mom says that she only has days left. It's just one more bad thing to add to my list.
After the visit we went home and i say around and decided to go to the mall to visit Brad! So I did and we talked for like an hour or so. It was really dead there so it was all good. After that I went home and played catch with my Dad and like three of the neighbor kids ran over to see what we were doing and then of course they wanted to join it. They were so cutee. I'm guessing like ages 5,6 and 7 or 8. Then I realized I had to be a Brad's like soon so I flew out of there to his house and went with him and his family downtown for their family pictures. It was pretty fun. It w as a beautiful day too. After that we went home and ate food and scott came over and then we headed to the theater to watch Jackass 3D with Grant, Aaron, and Michelle. The movie was totally awesome. I laughed like the whole time. There were for sure some really gross parts though that I couldn't even look.
After the movie I brought Scott and Brad back to Brad's house and then went over to Matt Nelson's house to hang out with him for a while. Caleb was over when I got there and we all just chilled and watched youtube videos. Then Josh showed up and Caleb left and we spent the next hour doing nothing...just talked. It was good to see them both.
Now it is bed time cause I have to work bright and early at 6am. Not too excited about that...that's for sure. I have the whole rest of the day off after that though so it's not so bad.
Well that is all for tonight. Night!
Lana
Saturday, October 16, 2010
It's been a while...
Sooo yea its been a while since I last wrote a blog. I guess I just didn't have anything to say. Okay that's a lie. I had a lot that I could have said but chose not to say. A lot of stuff has been going through my mind lately...I suppose that's nothing out of the ordinary though.
I have the sudden urge to find my birthmom. I have no idea why but I just do. I kinda just want some questions answered and I am a very curious person.
I have a real itch to move out and have my own place.
I really need money.... boo.
I'm not going to write a long blog though tonight. I have church in the morning and it's late and I am tired. I even fell asleep a few times in the theater tonight...not a good thing.
More is to come. A lot more intense so get ready to brace yourselves. I shall talk to you all later.
Night
Lana
I have the sudden urge to find my birthmom. I have no idea why but I just do. I kinda just want some questions answered and I am a very curious person.
I have a real itch to move out and have my own place.
I really need money.... boo.
I'm not going to write a long blog though tonight. I have church in the morning and it's late and I am tired. I even fell asleep a few times in the theater tonight...not a good thing.
More is to come. A lot more intense so get ready to brace yourselves. I shall talk to you all later.
Night
Lana
Saturday, October 9, 2010
It's Kind of a Funny Story
I saw the movie "It's kind of a funny story" today with my sister. It was really good but really scary at the same time. I won't give anything away to those of you who want to see it but it was scary cause what that kid went through, what went through his mind, what he felt was almost exactly the same as me. The place that they had him in was also scary similar to pine rest. Like I almost started crying several times because of all the memories that movie brought back to me. I don't think it was such a good idea for me to see it. It's suppose to be a funny movie and what not but when you've been in that situation and you know exactly what they are going through, you look at it totally different than most people do. It still was good though.
I was just talking to my friend on the phone and he told me that he was thinking about signing up to be deployed. Which would mean he would get sent away like soon rather than in the next year or two. And he would most likely get sent to iraq or somewhere around there. It scares me and makes me sad at the same time. I'm just starting to actually be friends with him and he is like one of three people i can talk to about anything, and listens, and helps me out. He would be gone for a whole year too. That's a long time.
I have to work again tomorrow. I really don't want to. Ugh. Hopefully we won't be busy and we can get out on time then. One of the day ladies called me today and asked me to work for her on Monday during the day. I was like hell no, i already work at night, I'm not going to work all day too. Plus it's down in Village 1 which I don't like at all. Especially on a Monday cause that's when the menu changes so everyone wants to come down to check out what's on the menu for the week. It's annoying.
I think i am getting sick. I woke up this morning with a raw throat, like the scratchy feeling and my nose is very congested. I'm not happy about it at all. I can't afford to be sick. I have way too much stuff going on. That's probably why i am sick though, being exposed to such a variety of places, college rooms, sunset where sickness spreads like wildfire and the zoo andddd friends. Soo i guess i couldn't avoid it for too long. I just hope it's like a couple day thing and then it just goes away.
Haha that reminds me of last year when i lost my voice.....that was bad. I even went to work which was dumb cause it wasn't like i could take orders. Actually i had to switch with the girl who dishes up food for that reason. That was horrible. I have never lost my voice that bad before in my life. It was crazy.
Hopefully i find out this week if I got a job a VIPets. I really hope so. I realllllyyyyy want this job. Hopefully I could get more hours and it would pay higher than sunset so then i could quit sunset! That would be amazinggg! I'm totally crossing my fingers.
Okay well I should have been sleeping a long time ago. So i'm going to go to bed now. I shall talk to all of you later. Night! Sweet dreams!
Lana =)
I was just talking to my friend on the phone and he told me that he was thinking about signing up to be deployed. Which would mean he would get sent away like soon rather than in the next year or two. And he would most likely get sent to iraq or somewhere around there. It scares me and makes me sad at the same time. I'm just starting to actually be friends with him and he is like one of three people i can talk to about anything, and listens, and helps me out. He would be gone for a whole year too. That's a long time.
I have to work again tomorrow. I really don't want to. Ugh. Hopefully we won't be busy and we can get out on time then. One of the day ladies called me today and asked me to work for her on Monday during the day. I was like hell no, i already work at night, I'm not going to work all day too. Plus it's down in Village 1 which I don't like at all. Especially on a Monday cause that's when the menu changes so everyone wants to come down to check out what's on the menu for the week. It's annoying.
I think i am getting sick. I woke up this morning with a raw throat, like the scratchy feeling and my nose is very congested. I'm not happy about it at all. I can't afford to be sick. I have way too much stuff going on. That's probably why i am sick though, being exposed to such a variety of places, college rooms, sunset where sickness spreads like wildfire and the zoo andddd friends. Soo i guess i couldn't avoid it for too long. I just hope it's like a couple day thing and then it just goes away.
Haha that reminds me of last year when i lost my voice.....that was bad. I even went to work which was dumb cause it wasn't like i could take orders. Actually i had to switch with the girl who dishes up food for that reason. That was horrible. I have never lost my voice that bad before in my life. It was crazy.
Hopefully i find out this week if I got a job a VIPets. I really hope so. I realllllyyyyy want this job. Hopefully I could get more hours and it would pay higher than sunset so then i could quit sunset! That would be amazinggg! I'm totally crossing my fingers.
Okay well I should have been sleeping a long time ago. So i'm going to go to bed now. I shall talk to all of you later. Night! Sweet dreams!
Lana =)
Friday, October 8, 2010
Bedd.
Time for bed. Not much to report. Had a better day than yesterday. Still not very good though. Work allllll day tomorrow. Joy.
Night
Lana
Night
Lana
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Tree
I really don't have much to say. Day was normal. Nothing happened. All of the feelings I have today are the same as yesterday. So yeaaaaa. I have a test tomorrow that I didn't study for, we shall see how that goes. Hopefully the weekend goes by fast. I have to work all of it. Well that's it for me. Hope you all have a great night.
Lana
I'm alone. No one care. I'm done. Don't expect to see me around much.
Lana
I'm alone. No one care. I'm done. Don't expect to see me around much.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
If you really knew me
If you really knew me,
You would know that I had a good life growing up. My parents spoiled me a ton. I got to do so many things. I was especially close to my Dad and we would do all sorts of stuff together.
If you really knew me,
You would know that my Dad is an alcoholic. I found out in 6th grade. There were times that I noticed he was acting funny. He would be confused and repeat things he had already said. He wouldn't make any sense and I didn't get why. That wasn't the Dad I knew. The morning me and my Mom were leaving for Chicago, my Dad got really upset about something I did and he blew up at me and stormed out of the house slamming the door behind him without saying goodbye. I told my Mom on the way home from Chicago that I was scared to go home. That's when she told me what was really going on. He has always drank, but never this much until after he stopped smoking.
The next few years I lived in fear. I would never know when he would drink. When I would come home to him like that. Mom was always busy doing some sort of work. Sometimes she would be called into Sunset to work the later shift leaving me and my Dad home alone. Those were the nights he drank for sure. I never saw the alcohol though. He would always hid it and sneak it in his Diet Coke when no one was looking.
If you really knew me,
You would know my Dad verbally abused me. No swearing but just hurtful words. He was also very touchy. Nothing inappropriate but just always wanting hugs and telling me to come sleep in his bed until my Mom got home. I was too scared to say now. I didn't know when his next blow up at me would be. He was the reason I quit piano. Every Wednesday night he would drop me off for my lessons and come back drunk. I was scared to death to ride with him. I was too scared to be at home with him. I would always try and find some sort of an excuse to leave or just lock myself up in my room.
If you really knew me,
You would know that with a Workaholic mother and an Alcoholic father and a sister that was out of the house for college, I didn't get paid attention to that much. I was brought where I needed to go, bought the things I need and sent off. They were there for me but not truly. I still felt alone and scared.
If you really knew me,
You would know that I never really felt like I fit in anywhere. I had friends that I got along with fine all through out school but there was never that feeling that I truly belonged with them. Maybe that is why I've gone through so many of them.
If you really knew me,
You would know that after my Dad became sober. That is when my parents started to pay attention to me. What I did, who I talked to, what I said. That is when all the fighting started. We fight about everything now. Grades, friends, my life in general. Everything has to be done a certain way or I will be a failure. All of my flaws are noticed but never my achievements. There is always something that I did wrong. I dread coming home now just to hear the next thing I messed up with.
If you really knew me,
You would know that I struggled with my self esteem. Like a lot. It is one of my major stressors in my life. Always worrying about what people are thinking of me. Worrying about what they say about me. Worrying that I will make a fool out of myself. Worrying that I'm not good enough for anyone.
If you really knew me,
You would know that I am constantly depressed. I am a perfectionist when it comes to my life. I want it to be perfect and when one thing is out of place then everything comes crashing down around me and it takes me twice the amount of time to pick up all the pieces. I just want to be happy.
If you really knew me,
You would know that the reason I got mixed up in so many bad relationships and so many bad things is because they were the only things at the time that made me feel special. Made me feel like I was worth something. Made me feel wanted. Things that I wasn't feeling anywhere else.
If you really knew me,
You would know that back in the spring when I OD'ed on meds, I wasn't trying to kill myself, I didn't want to die but yet I didn't really care if I did die. I constantly feel that something bad needs to happen to me just so people will notice me and show me that they do care about me. I drive down the road wished I could get in an accident. I would never do anything of purpose to hurt myself though. Too much of a chicken to do so.
If you really knew me,
You would know that I really do care about everyone. My goal is to try and make everyone happy. I can't stand it when people aren't because then I always feel that it's my fault they aren't so I need to fix it.
If you really knew me,
You would know that I've made a ton of mistakes. I have a bad past and have hurt many people. But I'm not perfect and when I say that I am truly sorry and didn't mean to do any of it. I mean it. I'm trying my best to be honest.
If you really knew me,
You would know I am trying my best every single day to make things right.
If you really knew me,
Then maybe you wouldn't be so quick to judge.
I watched a show this morning on MTV and it was called "If you really knew me" and it was about bringing this high school together and opening up to their class mates to show that they aren't really that different at all and that everyone has a story. There was part of mine. What's yours?
My Dad talked to me more about my Grandma today and he said something that kind of struck me. "This life is so quick and there are so many unimportant people who just pass right through it like they weren't even there." I wasn't sure how to respond to that but my first thought was that I don't want to be one of those people. People who have done nothing big. Who just had normal lives. I don't want to be forgotten when I leave this world but then again I don't know how to accomplish that either.
My Grandma is dying. I love her so much.
I hung out with a friend that I haven't hung out with alone in 6 months. Yes, it was Josh and yes I did have a nice time. He came over we watched a movie and he left. That was it. I don't care if you guys judge me for that, or tell me how wrong I am by talking to him let alone hang out with him. I told him two and a half weeks ago that I didn't want to talk to him. And for those two and a half weeks there was nothing. Last night he called me and we ended up talking for two hours because he is one of two people who will sit there and listen to my problems, not judge me or tell me i'm wrong and he will help me through them. When you are hurting, feeling ignore, feeling unwanted, feeling lied to, then like me, you would talk to that person to. And just because I am talking to him does not mean that I like him either. He is a friend and that is all he will ever be. I like someone else anyway although that seems to be going south. Who knows.
Me and my Parents got in a huge fight today. Well me and my Mom did. We were literally screaming at each other. She told me she doesn't trust me. That I'm making all the wrong decisions lately. That I don't care about her or my Dad. That I'm going to end up back in Pine Rest if I continue like this. That I haven't done any changing at all. That I'm stupid and immature.
How am I suppose to feel good when that's what my parents think about me. It hurt me really bad. Crushed me inside. Now I feel so alone. Not even my parents believe in me. How am I suppose to go on? I don't know.
I'm scared.
Enough for tonight. Have a great night sleep everyone.
Lana
You would know that I had a good life growing up. My parents spoiled me a ton. I got to do so many things. I was especially close to my Dad and we would do all sorts of stuff together.
If you really knew me,
You would know that my Dad is an alcoholic. I found out in 6th grade. There were times that I noticed he was acting funny. He would be confused and repeat things he had already said. He wouldn't make any sense and I didn't get why. That wasn't the Dad I knew. The morning me and my Mom were leaving for Chicago, my Dad got really upset about something I did and he blew up at me and stormed out of the house slamming the door behind him without saying goodbye. I told my Mom on the way home from Chicago that I was scared to go home. That's when she told me what was really going on. He has always drank, but never this much until after he stopped smoking.
The next few years I lived in fear. I would never know when he would drink. When I would come home to him like that. Mom was always busy doing some sort of work. Sometimes she would be called into Sunset to work the later shift leaving me and my Dad home alone. Those were the nights he drank for sure. I never saw the alcohol though. He would always hid it and sneak it in his Diet Coke when no one was looking.
If you really knew me,
You would know my Dad verbally abused me. No swearing but just hurtful words. He was also very touchy. Nothing inappropriate but just always wanting hugs and telling me to come sleep in his bed until my Mom got home. I was too scared to say now. I didn't know when his next blow up at me would be. He was the reason I quit piano. Every Wednesday night he would drop me off for my lessons and come back drunk. I was scared to death to ride with him. I was too scared to be at home with him. I would always try and find some sort of an excuse to leave or just lock myself up in my room.
If you really knew me,
You would know that with a Workaholic mother and an Alcoholic father and a sister that was out of the house for college, I didn't get paid attention to that much. I was brought where I needed to go, bought the things I need and sent off. They were there for me but not truly. I still felt alone and scared.
If you really knew me,
You would know that I never really felt like I fit in anywhere. I had friends that I got along with fine all through out school but there was never that feeling that I truly belonged with them. Maybe that is why I've gone through so many of them.
If you really knew me,
You would know that after my Dad became sober. That is when my parents started to pay attention to me. What I did, who I talked to, what I said. That is when all the fighting started. We fight about everything now. Grades, friends, my life in general. Everything has to be done a certain way or I will be a failure. All of my flaws are noticed but never my achievements. There is always something that I did wrong. I dread coming home now just to hear the next thing I messed up with.
If you really knew me,
You would know that I struggled with my self esteem. Like a lot. It is one of my major stressors in my life. Always worrying about what people are thinking of me. Worrying about what they say about me. Worrying that I will make a fool out of myself. Worrying that I'm not good enough for anyone.
If you really knew me,
You would know that I am constantly depressed. I am a perfectionist when it comes to my life. I want it to be perfect and when one thing is out of place then everything comes crashing down around me and it takes me twice the amount of time to pick up all the pieces. I just want to be happy.
If you really knew me,
You would know that the reason I got mixed up in so many bad relationships and so many bad things is because they were the only things at the time that made me feel special. Made me feel like I was worth something. Made me feel wanted. Things that I wasn't feeling anywhere else.
If you really knew me,
You would know that back in the spring when I OD'ed on meds, I wasn't trying to kill myself, I didn't want to die but yet I didn't really care if I did die. I constantly feel that something bad needs to happen to me just so people will notice me and show me that they do care about me. I drive down the road wished I could get in an accident. I would never do anything of purpose to hurt myself though. Too much of a chicken to do so.
If you really knew me,
You would know that I really do care about everyone. My goal is to try and make everyone happy. I can't stand it when people aren't because then I always feel that it's my fault they aren't so I need to fix it.
If you really knew me,
You would know that I've made a ton of mistakes. I have a bad past and have hurt many people. But I'm not perfect and when I say that I am truly sorry and didn't mean to do any of it. I mean it. I'm trying my best to be honest.
If you really knew me,
You would know I am trying my best every single day to make things right.
If you really knew me,
Then maybe you wouldn't be so quick to judge.
I watched a show this morning on MTV and it was called "If you really knew me" and it was about bringing this high school together and opening up to their class mates to show that they aren't really that different at all and that everyone has a story. There was part of mine. What's yours?
My Dad talked to me more about my Grandma today and he said something that kind of struck me. "This life is so quick and there are so many unimportant people who just pass right through it like they weren't even there." I wasn't sure how to respond to that but my first thought was that I don't want to be one of those people. People who have done nothing big. Who just had normal lives. I don't want to be forgotten when I leave this world but then again I don't know how to accomplish that either.
My Grandma is dying. I love her so much.
I hung out with a friend that I haven't hung out with alone in 6 months. Yes, it was Josh and yes I did have a nice time. He came over we watched a movie and he left. That was it. I don't care if you guys judge me for that, or tell me how wrong I am by talking to him let alone hang out with him. I told him two and a half weeks ago that I didn't want to talk to him. And for those two and a half weeks there was nothing. Last night he called me and we ended up talking for two hours because he is one of two people who will sit there and listen to my problems, not judge me or tell me i'm wrong and he will help me through them. When you are hurting, feeling ignore, feeling unwanted, feeling lied to, then like me, you would talk to that person to. And just because I am talking to him does not mean that I like him either. He is a friend and that is all he will ever be. I like someone else anyway although that seems to be going south. Who knows.
Me and my Parents got in a huge fight today. Well me and my Mom did. We were literally screaming at each other. She told me she doesn't trust me. That I'm making all the wrong decisions lately. That I don't care about her or my Dad. That I'm going to end up back in Pine Rest if I continue like this. That I haven't done any changing at all. That I'm stupid and immature.
How am I suppose to feel good when that's what my parents think about me. It hurt me really bad. Crushed me inside. Now I feel so alone. Not even my parents believe in me. How am I suppose to go on? I don't know.
I'm scared.
Enough for tonight. Have a great night sleep everyone.
Lana
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
I don't get it
Soo yeaa i missed last night. I totally made one but my phone was being dumb and wouldn't send it. So yea... sorry bout that. Ummm I went to western yesterday and spent the night with my dear Megan and then stayed there all today hanging out with Ryan and Grant. It was a good time, lots a funny stuff always happens and of course....lots of jokes made. =P. Me, Ryan, and Grant went to see Easy A. Great movie. I laughed like a lot. It was really good. Then I drove home and kept yawning and didn't think I was going to make it butttttt I did! Yay for not crashing!
I feel really bad...but I skipped work at the zoo and class today. That needs to be the first and last time I ever do that this year cause it all went down hill when I started that last year. I have to be a good student and be on top of everything. So yea...not going to happen again although it was kinda nice....
I was planning on going to bed at 1 but at 12:50 someone called me and I ended up talking until 5 mins ago so like 2:45 sooo almost two hours. I just don't get it though. Doesn't make any sense the way some people think. I wasn't going to talk long either cause I didn't want to but as we got talking idk...at least...well nevermind.
I need to go to bed...sorry this is a short post. Tomorrow's will be longer i promise.
Night everyone! Sleep well!
Lana
I feel really bad...but I skipped work at the zoo and class today. That needs to be the first and last time I ever do that this year cause it all went down hill when I started that last year. I have to be a good student and be on top of everything. So yea...not going to happen again although it was kinda nice....
I was planning on going to bed at 1 but at 12:50 someone called me and I ended up talking until 5 mins ago so like 2:45 sooo almost two hours. I just don't get it though. Doesn't make any sense the way some people think. I wasn't going to talk long either cause I didn't want to but as we got talking idk...at least...well nevermind.
I need to go to bed...sorry this is a short post. Tomorrow's will be longer i promise.
Night everyone! Sleep well!
Lana
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Never Have I Ever
I'm posting early tonight. I have to be to work by 6:00 tomorrow. Bright and early! Joy! Not....so I want to try and get to bed on time. Well today was a pretty good day. I went to church this morning. I love singing church songs, well at least the Mars Hill songs. Then went home and colored in my coloring book until it was time to go to the wedding shower.
The wedding shower was definitely interesting. First of all, I learned that my cousin Erin, the one getting married, is no longer called erin now. She prefers Nicole, which is her middle name. She works in Costa Rica and I guess it is really hard to say Erin so she is called Nicole there cause that's a lot easier. Well the first game we played is called Never have I ever. I've heard of the game but just never played it. We each started off with 10 hersey's kisses and then someone would name of something that they have never done and if someone else has done that thing, then they have to get rid of a kiss. So the person with the most kisses left is the winner. Well of course I'm the youngest and haven't done as much. Plus my aunts and cousins have dirty minds lol. Someone's was that they had never been arrested and no one moved at first then one of my aunts slowly dropped on the kisses in the jar we had to put them in and of course everyone freaked out and asked what the heck she has been arrested for. She was just casually like "Prostitution." Of course I was like shocked and so was everyone else and seeing that she goes on to say "Actually no, i just didn't switch my license plates from my old car to my new one so I got pulled over and arrested and it was either $90 or 90 days. So yea that was pretty sweet. My 85 year old g-ma was the one that said she had never gone skinny dipping. That was interesting. Someone else said they had never gone topless on a topless beach and I was shocked to see like 3 or 4 people had! Yea it was just crazy. And I won too! I still have seven pieces left! So i got the jar and all the left over hersey kisses.
Then there was the bra game and they numbered the bras and we had to guess whose bra belonged to who. And of course the one time they were making sexual jokes about looking at eachothers boobs for size and if this is the part that we all go topless. I have a crazy family but It makes for a good time. That's for sure. I def didn't win that game though.
So the shower was done and me, katie and mom piled in the car and my mom goes, "Well girls, that's probably the last time you will see grandma, she's dying." She said it so casually too. That hit me hard. I knew we wasn't doing well, but she hasn't been doing well for the past year or two. So I didn't think much of it when my mom on the way to the shower said that she wasn't doing that well. So then when I heard her say that she was dying, it was just kinda like shock. I was really close to my grandma although lately since she moved to zeeland I haven't been able to talk to her that much. But I used to talk to her all the time and she would tell me stories and share old memories. I love her so much. Now i'm just thinking how she will never get to be at my wedding, or see my kids or anything like that. My mom doesn't think she will make it to Christmas either. That is so soon. I just don't deal with death that well. It makes me so sad. I just can't believe that it's true.
I've been in a really creative mood lately. Like I want to make something awesome or do some sort of project or come up with some new and exciting idea. But I have do idea what to do. I though about organizing my room. Drawing a picture. Taking pictures. Building something for something. Well, i've thought of lots of stuff and so far I have no idea. Well I have some what of an idea but I can't do it. At least not yet. We shall see though. Who knows, that whole creative thing could be gone with in the next couple of days.
I feel so much better today than I did yesterday even though nothing has happened since then. Well except for the fact I have to work bright and early...not happy about that at all. At least I can leave a little early cause I have an ortho appointment. I should be getting these suckers off soon! I can't wait!
Well nothing too exciting to report now. I need to be getting to bed soon anyway so yea. I shall talk to everyone later. Hope you all have a great night!!
Lana =)
The wedding shower was definitely interesting. First of all, I learned that my cousin Erin, the one getting married, is no longer called erin now. She prefers Nicole, which is her middle name. She works in Costa Rica and I guess it is really hard to say Erin so she is called Nicole there cause that's a lot easier. Well the first game we played is called Never have I ever. I've heard of the game but just never played it. We each started off with 10 hersey's kisses and then someone would name of something that they have never done and if someone else has done that thing, then they have to get rid of a kiss. So the person with the most kisses left is the winner. Well of course I'm the youngest and haven't done as much. Plus my aunts and cousins have dirty minds lol. Someone's was that they had never been arrested and no one moved at first then one of my aunts slowly dropped on the kisses in the jar we had to put them in and of course everyone freaked out and asked what the heck she has been arrested for. She was just casually like "Prostitution." Of course I was like shocked and so was everyone else and seeing that she goes on to say "Actually no, i just didn't switch my license plates from my old car to my new one so I got pulled over and arrested and it was either $90 or 90 days. So yea that was pretty sweet. My 85 year old g-ma was the one that said she had never gone skinny dipping. That was interesting. Someone else said they had never gone topless on a topless beach and I was shocked to see like 3 or 4 people had! Yea it was just crazy. And I won too! I still have seven pieces left! So i got the jar and all the left over hersey kisses.
Then there was the bra game and they numbered the bras and we had to guess whose bra belonged to who. And of course the one time they were making sexual jokes about looking at eachothers boobs for size and if this is the part that we all go topless. I have a crazy family but It makes for a good time. That's for sure. I def didn't win that game though.
So the shower was done and me, katie and mom piled in the car and my mom goes, "Well girls, that's probably the last time you will see grandma, she's dying." She said it so casually too. That hit me hard. I knew we wasn't doing well, but she hasn't been doing well for the past year or two. So I didn't think much of it when my mom on the way to the shower said that she wasn't doing that well. So then when I heard her say that she was dying, it was just kinda like shock. I was really close to my grandma although lately since she moved to zeeland I haven't been able to talk to her that much. But I used to talk to her all the time and she would tell me stories and share old memories. I love her so much. Now i'm just thinking how she will never get to be at my wedding, or see my kids or anything like that. My mom doesn't think she will make it to Christmas either. That is so soon. I just don't deal with death that well. It makes me so sad. I just can't believe that it's true.
I've been in a really creative mood lately. Like I want to make something awesome or do some sort of project or come up with some new and exciting idea. But I have do idea what to do. I though about organizing my room. Drawing a picture. Taking pictures. Building something for something. Well, i've thought of lots of stuff and so far I have no idea. Well I have some what of an idea but I can't do it. At least not yet. We shall see though. Who knows, that whole creative thing could be gone with in the next couple of days.
I feel so much better today than I did yesterday even though nothing has happened since then. Well except for the fact I have to work bright and early...not happy about that at all. At least I can leave a little early cause I have an ortho appointment. I should be getting these suckers off soon! I can't wait!
Well nothing too exciting to report now. I need to be getting to bed soon anyway so yea. I shall talk to everyone later. Hope you all have a great night!!
Lana =)
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Confused
I have to say, I'm not in a good mood right now. I have not had a great day. So I am going to sit here and blog about it.
Now everything I am about to say is just what I feel right now. It doesn't mean I think that is exactly what's going on or that is the exact truth about everything. I don't know a lot of things right now and that is partly why I am feeling this way in the first place. So that being said, just read this knowing that these are just my feelings and thats all.
Do you ever get the feelings that you are unwanted, being ignored, annoying people, and such? Well that is exactly how I've been feeling the last few days. I feel like I've been the one to initiate almost every conversation that I've had. I feel like I'm always having to invited myself to hang out with people and if I don't, then I won't be asked to hang out at all. I just don't understand? Do people not want me around them? Do they not want to hang out with me?
Other times I feel like I'm just getting excuses for everything. "Oh I have to do this" "I don't know if I can hang out tonight cause I have to do chores" ect. Then later that night, they are hanging out with people but they fail to mention that to me. The rest of the time no one ever texts me back so I just feel like I'm being ignored.
Seriously, I'm a big girl. If you don't want to hang out with me or if you don't want to talk to me then just tell me!! I'm not going to be angry, I'm not going to get upset. I just rather be told the truth then sit here wondering what I did wrong. I don't know what people think about me anymore. I don't know how people feel about me anymore. I know that I have changed recently though. I don't blow up like I used to. I'm not a bitch like I used to be. I know how to handle things a lot more maturely now and not get upset about it. I also know that I'm not as hyper and crazy as I used to be. I know that I'm probably not as fun to hang out with as I used to be. I just hate being in the dark.
I'm not stupid either. When you hang out with a close group of people, things are going to be found out. So why lie in the first place. I find things out. Trust me, to find out that someone was lying to you, hurts really bad. Even worse is when you know they are lying as they are telling you. You can tell a lot about something just by watching them and observing them. People might think I'm not paying any attention and in my own little world but that's not true. I know people very well just by watching them and listening to them so it gets easy to read people for the most part.
If you have to tell me something, then tell me! Don't be afraid to hurt my feelings. It's life! Feelings get hurt. I rather be told then live in a lie. Hoping for something thats not going to happen. Honesty is a powerful thing and it goes a long way.
I don't know if I am annoying people or what. I'm trying to do nice things. I'm trying to make people happy but I never know if I actually am cause I don't get any feedback or if I am just being annoying. I feel under appreciated and on occasions feel like I'm being taken advantage of. Like oh I hardly ever talk to you but I'm saying that I'm sleeping over at your house when I'm really not even with you.
Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm over-reacting and worrying too much and I don't need to at all. I do know however that there is just something not right. I just want to know what I am doing right and what I am doing wrong. I want to be the best person I can be. I want people to trust me. I want people to want me to talk to them. I want people to want to hang out with me. That's all.
Getting talked to by my parents today didn't help anything either. They were telling me how disappointed they were in my and how worried they were that I was going to relapse and end back up in pinerest again. I just love how much they believe in me...
So there are just some of my feelings. Maybe they are false. Maybe they are true. Who knows? I just needed to get it out of my system.
I made my first vlog today. If you haven't checked it out yet then you should. Tell me what you think of it!! Please!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txF-0Ahdf0M
there is the link, check it out!
I kinda want to go for a walk right now. Maybe through hagar...I don't know. I've built up a lot of emotions and just need to get them out of me. Walks usually help that.
Sorry for this being such a depressing post. I didn't really mean for it to be that way, it just all kinda came out once I started.
I'm going to go do that now. I will maybe update when I get back.
My walk was alright. I made the mistake of walking through a small part of Hagar and ended up freaking myself out...I don't know what I was think. Then I walked around. The majority of my walk to all the way down and back up pinewood though. Saw some of my friends pass me...
I got home and went to sit in my backyard for a while letting the emotions come out of me in the form of tears. I looked beautiful after that. That's for sure. Now I'm updating and about to go to bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
Well night everyone. Better blog tomorrow...I promise!
lana =)
Now everything I am about to say is just what I feel right now. It doesn't mean I think that is exactly what's going on or that is the exact truth about everything. I don't know a lot of things right now and that is partly why I am feeling this way in the first place. So that being said, just read this knowing that these are just my feelings and thats all.
Do you ever get the feelings that you are unwanted, being ignored, annoying people, and such? Well that is exactly how I've been feeling the last few days. I feel like I've been the one to initiate almost every conversation that I've had. I feel like I'm always having to invited myself to hang out with people and if I don't, then I won't be asked to hang out at all. I just don't understand? Do people not want me around them? Do they not want to hang out with me?
Other times I feel like I'm just getting excuses for everything. "Oh I have to do this" "I don't know if I can hang out tonight cause I have to do chores" ect. Then later that night, they are hanging out with people but they fail to mention that to me. The rest of the time no one ever texts me back so I just feel like I'm being ignored.
Seriously, I'm a big girl. If you don't want to hang out with me or if you don't want to talk to me then just tell me!! I'm not going to be angry, I'm not going to get upset. I just rather be told the truth then sit here wondering what I did wrong. I don't know what people think about me anymore. I don't know how people feel about me anymore. I know that I have changed recently though. I don't blow up like I used to. I'm not a bitch like I used to be. I know how to handle things a lot more maturely now and not get upset about it. I also know that I'm not as hyper and crazy as I used to be. I know that I'm probably not as fun to hang out with as I used to be. I just hate being in the dark.
I'm not stupid either. When you hang out with a close group of people, things are going to be found out. So why lie in the first place. I find things out. Trust me, to find out that someone was lying to you, hurts really bad. Even worse is when you know they are lying as they are telling you. You can tell a lot about something just by watching them and observing them. People might think I'm not paying any attention and in my own little world but that's not true. I know people very well just by watching them and listening to them so it gets easy to read people for the most part.
If you have to tell me something, then tell me! Don't be afraid to hurt my feelings. It's life! Feelings get hurt. I rather be told then live in a lie. Hoping for something thats not going to happen. Honesty is a powerful thing and it goes a long way.
I don't know if I am annoying people or what. I'm trying to do nice things. I'm trying to make people happy but I never know if I actually am cause I don't get any feedback or if I am just being annoying. I feel under appreciated and on occasions feel like I'm being taken advantage of. Like oh I hardly ever talk to you but I'm saying that I'm sleeping over at your house when I'm really not even with you.
Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm over-reacting and worrying too much and I don't need to at all. I do know however that there is just something not right. I just want to know what I am doing right and what I am doing wrong. I want to be the best person I can be. I want people to trust me. I want people to want me to talk to them. I want people to want to hang out with me. That's all.
Getting talked to by my parents today didn't help anything either. They were telling me how disappointed they were in my and how worried they were that I was going to relapse and end back up in pinerest again. I just love how much they believe in me...
So there are just some of my feelings. Maybe they are false. Maybe they are true. Who knows? I just needed to get it out of my system.
I made my first vlog today. If you haven't checked it out yet then you should. Tell me what you think of it!! Please!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txF-0Ahdf0M
there is the link, check it out!
I kinda want to go for a walk right now. Maybe through hagar...I don't know. I've built up a lot of emotions and just need to get them out of me. Walks usually help that.
Sorry for this being such a depressing post. I didn't really mean for it to be that way, it just all kinda came out once I started.
I'm going to go do that now. I will maybe update when I get back.
My walk was alright. I made the mistake of walking through a small part of Hagar and ended up freaking myself out...I don't know what I was think. Then I walked around. The majority of my walk to all the way down and back up pinewood though. Saw some of my friends pass me...
I got home and went to sit in my backyard for a while letting the emotions come out of me in the form of tears. I looked beautiful after that. That's for sure. Now I'm updating and about to go to bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
Well night everyone. Better blog tomorrow...I promise!
lana =)
I am too nice
Tonight was a very interesting night to say the least. I had lots of fun! I found a kitty and was playing with it until it ran away. Then Brad went off and hid somewhere (we were at grand river park) so I went to go find him and while I did, everyone else decided to run away! It was getting very dark mind you and everyone knows how well I handle the dark. Well Brad succeeded in scaring me half to death, I was not happy but then he decided to come with me to find the others. I was not going to go into those dark scary woods by myself. Long story short, we couldn't find them until they suddenly appeared on this random path. Then off to Taco Bell we went. We went so early we actually ate inside. *SHOCK* it felt very weird....
So yea the rest of the night was playing halo, looking up funny videos, and making fun of each other. Good times I must say. It put me in a good mood. I was super tired though and I am still super tired right now. I still have that feeling where I am going to pass out too. I don't know what to do about that. Ohhh wellllll.
FUCK YOU!
My friends are crazy. I hate to admit it but it's true. I have no idea why I am friends with them. Actually I do. It's cause they are hilarious. Even if they are crazy. It makes for a very entertaining time when I am with them. My life would be so boring without their silliness and odd sense of humor lol. I love them for that though! =) And I am wayyy too nice to them =P. Getting them food and buying them mango tangos when I really didn't have to. But then again, I like buying people things and making people happy and if that's what it takes then I shall do it! So pretty much if any of my friends ever wants something or needs something and they ask, I will most likely get it for them or do whatever for them. I'm their Bitch!! Haha
You should check out my Lemurs that I put on facebook. They are soo cute! I was playing with them one day. Well from behind a window but it was still fun and they were still like *right* there in front of me so it was pretty awesome.
Omg...I can't believe it is this late. My parents are going to be pissed at me tomorrow and have the whole "You need to get to bed at a good time and get a full amount of sleep so you aren't tired the next day....blah blah blah" I shall have to escape my house of the majority of the day tomorrow...just in case that talk comes up. It's the weekend though! And i have it off. So shouldn't that mean I should get some freedom to hang out late and stay up late? Its not like I won't be able to sleep in or anything in the morning. Though my Dad will probably wake me up....like he did this morning. OHhhhhh that pissed me off. He comes in my room, as I'm literally getting out of bed, turns on the light and is all like "What time is class? Get up." and I was like seriously? Did you really have to do that...yes I did actually say that and he was like "yup" ohh that made me mad. He always does stuff like that too.
Tigers are amazing. I don't care what anyone else says about them.
Alright, I'm really not in the mood for blogging right now. I just want to sleep. My bed is becoming way too comfy right now so I feel like this is the time to end this wonderful blog. Can't wait to see the new Vlog! I have a feeling that it's going to be a good one! Hopefully those crazy kids get some sleep tonight! Night everyone! Sweet dreams! =)
Lana =)
So yea the rest of the night was playing halo, looking up funny videos, and making fun of each other. Good times I must say. It put me in a good mood. I was super tired though and I am still super tired right now. I still have that feeling where I am going to pass out too. I don't know what to do about that. Ohhh wellllll.
FUCK YOU!
My friends are crazy. I hate to admit it but it's true. I have no idea why I am friends with them. Actually I do. It's cause they are hilarious. Even if they are crazy. It makes for a very entertaining time when I am with them. My life would be so boring without their silliness and odd sense of humor lol. I love them for that though! =) And I am wayyy too nice to them =P. Getting them food and buying them mango tangos when I really didn't have to. But then again, I like buying people things and making people happy and if that's what it takes then I shall do it! So pretty much if any of my friends ever wants something or needs something and they ask, I will most likely get it for them or do whatever for them. I'm their Bitch!! Haha
You should check out my Lemurs that I put on facebook. They are soo cute! I was playing with them one day. Well from behind a window but it was still fun and they were still like *right* there in front of me so it was pretty awesome.
Omg...I can't believe it is this late. My parents are going to be pissed at me tomorrow and have the whole "You need to get to bed at a good time and get a full amount of sleep so you aren't tired the next day....blah blah blah" I shall have to escape my house of the majority of the day tomorrow...just in case that talk comes up. It's the weekend though! And i have it off. So shouldn't that mean I should get some freedom to hang out late and stay up late? Its not like I won't be able to sleep in or anything in the morning. Though my Dad will probably wake me up....like he did this morning. OHhhhhh that pissed me off. He comes in my room, as I'm literally getting out of bed, turns on the light and is all like "What time is class? Get up." and I was like seriously? Did you really have to do that...yes I did actually say that and he was like "yup" ohh that made me mad. He always does stuff like that too.
Tigers are amazing. I don't care what anyone else says about them.
Alright, I'm really not in the mood for blogging right now. I just want to sleep. My bed is becoming way too comfy right now so I feel like this is the time to end this wonderful blog. Can't wait to see the new Vlog! I have a feeling that it's going to be a good one! Hopefully those crazy kids get some sleep tonight! Night everyone! Sweet dreams! =)
Lana =)
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