Same old, same old

Long time no blogg.

Not much has changed though. I've been working, volunteering and going to school. School is done now though! Hellz to the fuck yea! I am so happy about that. My history teacher dropped the class for me so it wouldn't hurt my GPA cause I failed it. However math went very well! So at least I passed one class and for that I am glad. But now I get a much needed break.

Not sure if I am going to go back next semester. I don't know what I want to do anymore. There is like no way I can get into Vet Tech at this rate and even if I could....I don't know if I really want to. I want to do something fun and exciting when I grow up. I want to travel the world and see everything! I also want to work with animals and study them. I also really like psychology and want to help people. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm thinking about taking a photography class next semester though. Not for sure yet. I really love taking pictures. i wouldn't major in it but maybe like major in zoology or psychology and minor in photography...I think that would be really sweet. But I'm not really sure which I wanna do.

I'm getting so frustrated with my parents. They love me and care about me. I know that. But they keep pushing me and pushing me to do the things that I don't really want to do. They have their expectations of me and if i don't live up to them, I'm just a failure in their eyes. It means that I'm not trying hard enough and I'm not doing all that I can to succeed and while that may be somewhat true, it isn't that easy for me. I lack the motivation I need because I've been failing so much. Now I get one bad grade and it all goes downhill from there. I need to figure out how to fix myself before I can figure out what I want to do in life.

I met this guy. He goes to CC and is really nice but I can already tell it won't go anywhere. I can tell he is in it just to have "fun" which i'm like no way. The thing that gets me though is that I told him nothing was gonna happen like two or three times and he will still text me and ask to hang out. I don't understand guys. i am so confused by all of them. Seriously though, I also end up liking the jerks or the ones that are/will be taken. So not fairrr. Idk...we shall see where things go.

Ummm i still haven't done my christmas shopping yet =/....oops. haha I don't even know what I am getting people for sure yet. I might wanna figure that out. I think I am going tomorrow to get stuff...hopefully. I can't wait for christmas though! I love this time of yearr.

There is like so much more I could talk about but I am so freaking tired so I'm gonna go to bed.
Nightt

Lana

I should be in bed

butttttttttt I'm not....well i am...i should be sleeping though...

I went over to Corbin's with matt, caleb, and Joe for a bit but they all started to drink and the last time I did that with them, it was baddd and now I know my limit...don't ever have 8 or 9 shots again. Plus I have class at 9:30 and a curfew so I had to leave them to their lameness haha no they are all pretty awesome and fun to hang out with!

I hung out with them last night too, well minus Joe and caleb....plus a different joe and josh and jimmy. My goodness lots of J names apparently. We watched Black Dynamite and The Crazies. Very ummm interesting movies to say the least. It was a grand time. Those guys are turning out to be really cool.

It seems to be that picking on Alana is becoming a very favorite sport among people. Apparently people get a lot of amusement out of it haha. Though I can kinda see why...i am very easy to pick on but i didn't realize it would become this popular!

My sister leaves me again tomorrow to go watch her bf or whatever you call him, run a marathon down in Vegas...poor her....im so jealoussss. And now i have to be with mom and dad alone...ugh. At least I work all weekend.

Okay well i am tired and if I am going to survive the three hour class I have tomorrow...i should really get some sleep.

Night all!

Lana

Sleepy

I've been extremely tired.

Tonight I tried to watcho two movies...i sleep asleep for both of them....

I decided that i probably should just go to bed.

so now i am in bed.

night

lana

...

UGHHHH!!!!! Everything is just so BLAH

and I'm just like UGHHH

and I just want to GRRRRR

and and and SLKBJOIRNGOIANKNV"PIOJTPJ#:OIJ"GJ"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am in a horrible mood. It was a badish weekend. This week is going to suck major. THis semester needs to be over NOW! I am going crazy. I HATE everything right now. Can you tell i'm super pissed right now?

Mom and Dad keep asking me whats wrong cause all i've been doing is sitting around doing absolutely nothing and snapping at everyone who talks to me. They are being soooo annoying though! Can you NOT tell that I don't want to talk to YOU!!!!!! HELLOOOOO! UGH!

I just want to burst out cry and crawl in bed and never get out.

I have no idea what to do about anything anymore.....I'm so fucking screwed.

Alright. I should go to bed cause I get to work all fucking day tomorrow...yayyy.........shoot me now.......

Lana

Plan

New plan: I'm moving out.

Make the bad things go away....

I'm a screw up.

One second everything is just peachy and then next, I"m getting yelled at by two different people. Apparently I'm the cause of them getting pissed at each other. I don't even know what happened though cause one of them is ignoring me and then other one said to ask the first one...so I got no where.

Why do things seem to always get worse near the end of the semester? I really can't deal with this right now. I"m already super stressed cause i'm failing one of my classes. I'm already having enough friend issues. Work has been hell lately. I've been sick. I've had so many appointments and things needing to be done. I"m going crazy and throw this on top of all it and everything gets 10 times worse.

I really shouldn't have friends anymore. I seem to cause too much trouble and ruin everything. I'm not even trying to ruin anything. I never want any of this to happen but yet it always does and I always end up in the middle of it feeling lost, confused and hurt and especially for someone like me, who has way too many complications and a horrible past and a tendency to become highly stressed too fast causing me to do/say things that aren't good....is not a good thing.

I want to be done. Don't with everything. Done with everyone.

I so tired of hurting.

I want to be understood.

I just want to be loved.

Phone call

So last night I had a phone call that has really been making me think of a lot of things. Mostly not good things. Like a lot of things that happened in the past. Things that I regret. Things that I was so young and naive about. Things that I also learned from and helped me grow.

I totally made a complete fool of myself. The things that I said and that I did, I can't believe really happened. I could take things and blow them into ten times a bigger deal than what they really were and in doing that I managed to fuck everything up causing myself to become even crazier. What the hell was I ever thinking?

I also realized that even if you've known someone for a while. You talk to them a lot, you hang out with them a lot, and you think you know everything there is to know about them. But you, in truth, most likely don't. What you find out can shock you. People have things going on in their lives that they don't even tell their closest friends about. A totally different side of them is shown and suddenly you have a much greater respect for this person.

I jump to conclusions about some things way too easily. I thought I knew someone inside and out. Turns out that I didn't. Now I feel totally horrible. There is nothing I can do either.

ohrgonasdkelkwsdnfaek...... That is my mind right now. I can't think straight worth crap. I'm freaking dizzy as crap right now too. So I shall have to finish my thoughts on this conversation later when I actually know what I'm saying. I'm sooo depressed. Blah. Night.

Lana

IT NEVER ENDS!

My body is out to get me. After it found out that it didn't succeed with the stomach inflammation cause I can fix that now, it decided after over two years to fully bring back my plantar fasciitis. It's just one thing after another!

For those of you who don't know...plantar fasciitis is an inflammation of the fibrous tissue that stretches the length of your foot. A lot of times it can cause your heel to ache but for me, it is in my arch. What does it feel like? It feels like someone is bending your foot up from the toes causes your arch to stretch as far as it can to the point where it starts ripping along with stabbing 1000 needles into the arch. It isn't pleasant at all. Very painful and makes it impossible to walk sometimes. Different shoes make it better or worse depending on arch support or what not. Also it is very uncommon for young people...mostly affects old people.

Senior year of Band Camp, Mike Zhu decided he wanted to make us run. Oh how I was so happy about that. I am so not a runner at all. Well I pushed myself hard and even though I don't run...I managed to stay with the main group in the front the whole run each day. I don't know how but I was pretty proud of myself. Well one of the first days my foot started hurting but I just ignored it and it got worse as camp went on. When we got back from camp it was to the point where I was limping and needed to be taken to the foot doctor where he told me I had plantar fasciitis. He wrapped my foot up and sent my on my way.

Ever since then I have always had issues with my feet. I can't jump, especially off of higher things. If I do I get a searing pain through my feet. I can't point my toes otherwise my feet will cramp up major. Little stuff like that but not the full on plantar fasciitis. So why the heck would it flare up two years later? I have no fricken idea but I am so not happy about it.

"Unstoppable" Is a really good movie. I enjoyed it quite a bit.

Ohh yea so the abdominal stomach pain turned out to just be an inflammation of my stomach...well that is what they think it most likely is at least. It was probably caused by some sort of a virus. My X-ray and blood tests all came up normal so that was good. The nurse said that I should just eventually get better on its own but told me to keep taking the heart burn stuff and she gave me these nausea pills to make nausea go away. Other than that I just have to push through it till it hopefully goes away. Sweet.

Well I should get to bed. Work alllllllllllllllllll freaking day tomorrow. Hopefully my foot won't be too harsh on me. We shall see! Night everyone.

Lana

BLECH!

There is something wrong with me.

I'm having too many stomach pains

I feel horrible all over

Going to the Doctor's tomorrow.

I just feel like crying. Nothing is going how I had hoped it would go this semester. I have a B- in math and an E in history. I was hoping to start out with a fairly decent GPA but apparently that isn't going to happen. I haven't met anyone new and lost friends that I already had. Going from everyone to hardly anyone is hard. I feel so alone. Not cared about.

I feel like I'm going back downhill again. I felt so good after getting that brain scan stuff done. I was so hopeful for the future and thought everything was going to go so much better but it hasn't so far. I still don't have an official diagnosis. It is still only guess. Random problems keep popping up all over the place and it is still going to see doctor after doctor. You need to see a nutritionist, and you need to see and allergist, oh lets through in a new psychiatrist, the doctor, my therapist, the ortho, the dentist. Test me for this or that. Try this vitamin or drug. See if this helps. You can't this with that. You need to watch this. Question after question. It is almost like I have to keep track of every single thing I think, eat, feel (both physically and emotionally) and do every minute of the day. I'm getting so overwhelmed. I'm so sick of all of this.

So very sick and tired of everything. Haven't I gone through enough? When will all of this end? I try and try and try and get no where. Absolutely no where.

There is something most definitely wrong with me.

Everyone seems to have their own idea of what it is except for me.



On the bright side...I got my braces off today. woot.

Lana

I'm missing something.

Soooooo today was a pretty good day over all. Went to church which I love so much. Like seriously Rob Bell is soooo freaking awesome! I love Mars Hill lots. Then went home and did stuff in my room...little things here and there that needed to be done but I just never got around to doing. Then I almost was able to go to an ADTR concert but it failed. So I went to Brad's instead where Grant and Michelle came over and we had a grand time playing the kinetc!

I feel like I am totally missing something though. I thought people weren't happy with me and yet I was treated nice. Not like that is a bad thing but I can't help but wonder if it was really cause they wanted to be nice or if it was to cover up what they really thought. Cause it also seemed like I was annoying them too. I'm not sure. Andd with another friend, he totally did talk to me all weekend and then tonight he finally replied back to a text I sent friday with a picture of my re-organized room but apparently he didn't get the picture and he asked me to send it again but I deleted it so I told him I could re-take it at home but then he was just like no night. Like it was so weird. Idk what is going on or what I did but I feel like something is wrong there. Who knows.

I totally lost 5 more pounds. I am happy and almost at my ideal weight...this would be fine too but I rather lose just a tiny bit more. I need to not worry so much about if people think I'm fat or not. I do though. I can't help it. Especially since i gained so much this summer. That made me feel horrible. Now i feel so much better and a little more confident in myself. That is never a bad thing.

I am totally dreading tomorrow. I have to work my two most hated shifts at work again and allll freaking day too. Soooo not happy about that. Plus I forgot I have an ortho appointment and it happens to be during one of my shifts so I have to figure that one out. Maybe I should call in sick. Or maybe I will just like pass out at work from the lack of food and fluids that I have been getting lately. Probably not a good things but at least I wouldn't have to work then...

Well i really need sleep so I am going to go!

Night

Lana Lou

Lazy Day

Sooooo today I have done absolutely nothing. I have watched movies like all freaking day. Everyone was busy though!! Oh wait...I cleaned my car and the basement so I suppose I did something.....but still.

I slept in until like 12:15 which felt totally wonderful. My parents left at noon so go where ever they went and they are still gone and it is 7:40 right now. Parents gone all day and I've done nothing. How sad. My sister is gone too. So yea... I got up, made lunch since I missed breakfast, watched twister, then did my cleaning, then watched district 9, the fools gold, then the last half of the ugly truth and now the golden compass! Yea...I know...that is sooo sad.

Ohh wait...I hear my parents. They just got home.

I also just replied back to my birthmom so I can't wait to hear what she says. I've asked her some questions so yea.

Yesterday I went shopping. I dragged poor Brad along with me to Pink so I could get 7 panties for $25 and a bra and I also got some pink yogo pants while i was there. Yea that all cost me $86. So sad. But I am happy so it is all good. Then me and Brad went to meijer where we got another kinetc game. The Dancing one and it is awesome. I am sore today from it. It was super fun. Then I went home cause me and Nelson had plans to hang out so we did. We watched scott pilgrim vs the world and i feel asleep for like the last third of it....my bad. But it was fun and we got to catch up with eachother so that was sweet.

I am still waiting. Waiting for something to happen. I'm not sure what. Just something. That would be nice. I think. Not quite sure. I'm just ready for something to happen.

I am still bored....probably going to go talk to my parents. Okay well ttyl.

Lana

Found

OMG! YES! Soooooooooo I totally found my Birthmom. It is for sure her. I gave in and friend requested her and then the next night I gave in and actually messaged her. Then I waited...

and waited.....

and waited....

and waited....

and waited....

AND THENNN!
Last night as I was walking out of class, I was waiting for Nelson to text me back and I saw I had a facebook message! So I was like omg omg omg omg OPEN! but nooooooooooo I had to lose my internet connection in the stupid parking garage. So I'm like omg get in car and get out of here so I can read it!!! As soon as I got out of the parking garage I hit the refresh button and of course it took forever to load but then I saw it! She messaged me back! So I started to read it but then the light turned GREEN! So I had to stop....

Eventually over the course of multiple red lights I was able to read the whole thing....and this is what she said!!



Patty Strickler Reisz November 11 at 5:57pm Report
Alana, It is so good to hear from you! Looking at your birthday, name, geographic location and the red hair, I think i am your Birthmom!

I am definitely open to communicating with you. I'd love to be able to answer your questions and also hear about your life so far! My home email is (you don't get to know this) and our home phone is (cant know this either =P).

Ironically, I just got back to Cincinnati after several days in Grand Rapids on business. However, I just picked this message up today.

I really look forward to hearing from you,
Patty



Isn't that like totally awesome?!?!? I think so. Although my Mom sounded like she was fine with it all but last night my Dad told me that she really wasn't and she feels like she has competition now. So now I feel like totally bad about that and I have to talk to her about it. There is no way she has to worry about anything. I mean...my Mom is the one that raised me and taught me everything I know and she will be my only mother that I will ever have. I just want to talk to Patty because I am hoping to find out more about myself in doing so. She is the one who passed on her genes to me and could help me figure out why I am the way I am. Plus I have always been curious about meeting her. It's like having another sister or Aunt or something. But no one could ever replace my Mom. She is the best! And I love her dearly!

I have no idea where to start with all my questions and what to even say back to her! I never thought this would be happening but it is! I'm excited! So we shall see.

Soooo yea my week has been pretty dull....except for Brad getting kinect!! That is freaking badass and he needs to get more games for it! My arms are still sore from it...and I have bruises on my hand from hitting his ceiling....lol. It was a grand time and I highly suggest that people try it out.

I want my TIGER!

Ummmmmm I totally hit my head extremely hard on my car this morning...it hurt...bad.

I also feel really guilty cause I skipped class this morning....and lied to my Mom about it. And now I feel bad. But I hate that class and I had to leave it early anyway for an appointment with a new psychiatrist and I didn't want to listen to the prof lecture for that whole time and not understand a word of it. *sigh* Shame on me. First and last time it will happen with this class! I promise!!

Totally hanging out with Matt Nelson today and watching "Scott Pilgrim VS. the world" and I am excited cause it was a good movie and I haven't seen that kid in a while. Kelsey broke up with him again...poor thing. Although he got to go see Dane Cook last night so now I don't feel that bad. I'm super jealous.

OHHHH! I have a fun fact of the day!!!! Well if there are guys reading this then I think you will be more disgusted by it then anything. But I thought it was very interesting and it was something I didn't know!
Soooooooo, I was at the zoo on Wednesday and I was working with Andy and we were checking on the Baboons and Andy was like "Yea she must be on her period, yesterday she snapped at me when I brought them in" I totally thought she just meant a figure of speech but then she went on to say, "Yea and then I saw some blood on in the cage so she must be on it" And I was like "wait...baboons get periods? Really?" And she was like " Oh yea, Chimps do too, there cycle is monthly like ours but the baboons is all messed up" Sooo yea like I had no idea that some primates got periods and also got moody when they were on them!! That is crazyy. You learn something new every day!
So wasn't that just an awesome fun fact! I bet you guys liked that one haha.

So yea everything has been going fairly well. I'm still a little down about some things and am starting to think I was right. Even though I keep waiting and hoping I was wrong...it doesn't seem to be looking that way. I miss people. Not gonna lie. It gets pretty lonely after a while

MY GOSH THE PHONE WON"T SHUT UP!
....ughhh...apparently the st.marys is closing down the day of my appointment so I had to re-schedule it....again.

Anyway so yeaaa.....

I signed up for classes next semester! Should be interesting... I'm taking animal biology, econ, ummmmmm....ohh writing anddddd ohh psych! I'm hoping to see if I can get my ap psych credit to transfer so then I don't have to take the basic psych and I can drop econ and take abnormal psych or child psych instead...I can't take those now cause you need the basic psych as a pre-rec first which is lameeeee. Should be an interesting schedule and I will have like no free time. I managed to keep fridays free as a day for appointments and to do whatever I need to do cause the rest on my week is going to be crazy. I had to sign up for 12 credits to make sure I could be on my parents health insurance but I'm probably going to drop one or two classes cause there is no way I could handle four classes.

It seems like a lot of people are coming to C.C. this semester...well I know of three but that seems like a lot to me. Mainly cause I don't actually know too many people who go there, let alone actually run into anyone. Then again, I just go to class and leave without hanging around. I hope next semester goes better than this one...I'm not doing as well as I want to be doing. Well I'm doing fine in math...just not history. I think it will...they're more of the classes that I actually enjoy so that will help.

Okay yea this is beginning to be a long blog...Soooooo I'm going to end it here!

Byeee

Lana-Lou

Gave in

I gave in....

I couldn't wait so I sent a friend request to my Birth mom and figure I shall wait to see what happens and go from there.

I am excited and really nervous at the same time!

I can't believe it!

I can't believe it! I'm pretty sure I just found my birthmom and on facebook of all places. I was bored and just decided to see if I could find her on facebook so I got out the info that I had of her and began searching and maybe an hour later...I found her! Everything seems to match up. Where she went to school, how old she is, her sibling....it all like lines up with each other. It is so crazy. We even share similarities in the way we look too.

I've always been curious on what it would be like to meet her but it was never one of those things that I just had to do. I could take it or leave it since my parents are the ones who raised me and take care of me. But now... with this right in front of me, i have the chance to ask all the questions that I've always wanted to ask her and perhaps the chance to even meet her!

But what do I say? "Hi I don't know if you remember me but I'm your daughter that you gave up or adoption 19 years ago and I randomly found you on facebook and decided to say hi".......? yea... i have no idea. Like what if she put that part of her life behind her. What if she doesn't care anymore. What if it really isn't her. What if she doesn't want contact with me? Ahhhh! So i'm not sure what to do? Should I just like friend request her and see if she says anything to me? I have no idea.

I really do hope that something will work out though. I would love to talk to her and find out more about her. Hopefully that will happen.

I have a test tomorrow in History that I didn't study for again. One, because I have no idea how to study for these tests and another reason is this whole birthmom thing totally distracting me. Heck I'm probably not even going to be able to sleep tonight...that's going to be fun. Oh well.

I should get to bed. Night all.

Lana

Red

So re-cap on the last couple of days since I haven't blogged in a while. My Halloween went very well. Woke up for church in the morning then went to panera after for some brunch I suppose. I made pumpkins and finally finished one of them on Sunday. It was pretty awesome I must say. After that I went over to Brad's house and ate some yummy angel food cake. Soooo good! I had to dress up for Halloween even though we weren't doing anything so I did. Idk what I was though...pirate? gypsy? Not sure but it was still fun. Me and Brad then went to the mall so I could by my Mom and birthday gift. I got her a new journal to take church notes it =). Then we went to Meijer cause I really wanted to make pumpkins bars and we needed to get stuff for them and before we went home to make them we stopped at family video and rented "Friday the 13th" and "Nightmare on Elm Street." The new versions of each. Back to his house we went to make the bars and watch Beauty and the Beast on Blu-ray as that was going on. After the bars were made it was time for dinner and we ate. Then we put in "Friday the 13th" but had to stop it to go back to my house and watch it so Josh could come over.

Josh came over and we started the movie up again. We watched both of them and they weren't as bad as I thought they were going to be but I did jump at parts. We had lots of fun mocking them though =D. Well Brad had to be at work by 7 so he left and Me and Josh were going to watch a second movie but then my Dad called me upstairs and was all like "Did Brad leave?" and I was like "Yea...." and he was like "Then Josh needs to go too" then he leaned into the basement and said "You hear that Josh?" Ohhh I was pissed. So Josh left and I went upstairs and started bickering at my Dad. I told him that he shouldn't be so rude, he was my friend and my Dad was all like you know how I feel about him and I don't like him around, you should respect my feelings and I was like I do respect your feelings but that doesn't mean I'm going to stop hanging out with him and he was like well then you don't respect my feelings. it was bad. Even my Mom who isn't a fan of Josh either, stopped in my room later and asked me if I was alright, she felt bad.

So later my Dad came into my bedroom and sat down on the bed with me. He told me he was sorry about the way he had acted and he shouldn't be so rude. He was so used to being able to control me, puts rules on me to protect me and he's learning that I'm growing up and he can't do that anymore. I'm old enough to make my own decisions. He told me he would like to apologize to Josh, though he still doesn't like him and it is going to take a long time for him to get over that. We talked about some more things too. I was shocked that he was admitting to all of that but it made me feel much better and I'm glad things are starting to get somewhat better in that area.

Monday was a super long day. I worked alllllll day from 10:30-7:30 and right after work my Dad picked me up and we went shopping for my Mom since her birthday was the next day. So we didn't get home until like 8:30-9:00 and I was exhausted by that point. I pretty much went straight to bed, put a movie in and fell asleep to it.

Today I had to get up at 6:00 so I could be ready to leave to vote with my Dad by 7:15 since I had to be at the zoo by 8 and my Dad had to be in Ann Arbor by 11. I didn't want to go alone to vote either so that time I guess worked out the best. It was an interesting experience. A couple ladies high-fived me after they found out it was my first time voting and were like "congrats! Good job! Yayy!" and i was like....haha yea.... I was amazed thought that me and Dad got there at 7:20, voting opened at 7:00 and I was the 62 person to vote there.. crazy! I feel good though cause apparently these are going to be some of the most important elections of all time and I got to take place in them! I could have made a difference! Yayy!!

I totally left at 7:48 and had to make it to the zoo by 8 and I totally did! While I was super low on gas too! I was proud of myself and that had to be record time. The zoo was a normal day. It was super cold though and it's only going to get colder...oh I just can't wait for winters at the zoo. Fun stuff right there! Right after the zoo I went to Math class and took a quiz and then left for home where dinner was being made but wasn't ready till an hour and a half later but it was yummy. It was for my Mom's birthday. She opened her presents and loved all of them of course. And yea that was pretty much it for my day.

Ohh my nickname is apparently Red now. I've had two different people call me red in the last 3 days. Weird. One was like "Hey! How's it going red?" That was with someone I work with at the zoo. And the other was just like "What do you want to do red?" and that was said by a friend who has never called me that before. It was so random. And i'm not even a full redhead! But I guess I could be called worse things so it works for me! =D

I'm super tired now though. I get to sleep in a little bit tomorrow cause I don't have to be anywhere until 1:30. So yea I'm going to head to bed now. Night.

Lana

Just keep movin' on

This week wasn't really a great one for me. I did a lot of work/school then coming home and sitting on the couch doing nothing. I watched a lot of movies though. I guess I just really didn't want to talk to anyone or be with anyone for that matter. Been pretty depressed. I decided yesterday that it would probably be a good idea for me to get out though. So I went to Western to chill with Ryan. It was a good time and nice to get away from home for a bit. I came home today about 1:30 and went over to Brad's where we carved pumpkins and yeaaa I was working on mine until Brad had to leave for work at 5:15. Then I went home and carved the pumpkins my parents got me and I worked on that until like 9:30. I'm still really not completely done with either of them....kinda sad but they turned out pretty sweet so far! I put them on facebook if you want to see. Then back over to Brad's I went. We watched the original Amnityville Horror which turned out to be really stupid so we stopped that and watched Anaconda which was still stupid but not as stupid. Now I'm home and I really should be sleeping cause now I'm probably going to fall asleep in church.

I really need to eat more. Like I just realized today that I had breakfast and then a breadstick like at 7 or 8 and that's all I ate today. I didn't even notice that I was hungry or anything and I'm not hungry now. Then again I really don't want to eat more because Friday my Dad was all like "Have you been losing weight?" and I"m like "yea" and he was like "Well you look good!" so that totally made my day cause if you know my parents, they are not afraid to say it how it is and tell me I need to work out more. I've lost 15 pounds so far and I would like to lose 10 more but 5 would also be fine.

I could go on about a lot of stuff. But i'm not going to. I need sleep. Night

Lana

Someday

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?


I'm done.

Words

Sad
Heartbroken
Devastated
Anger
Loss
Depressed
Longing
so much more...

Two friends. Two true friends that have always been there for me. They are all I have left right now. Brad and Josh I thank you so much.
Ryan, Matt, and Lauren, friends that I am able to talk to about everything. Thank you also. You guys are good to me.

I want to be friends with everyone else. But it does't work when only one persons tries to put forth an effort.

Love me for who I am. Don't hate me for what I'm not. It's in your hands now. I'm done here.

Words can't bring me down

Don't look at me

Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, i saw debris
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone left the puzzle undone
That's the way it is

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
Don't you bring me down today...

No matter what we do
(no matter what we do)
No matter what they say
(no matter what they say)
When the sun is shining through
Then the clouds won't stay


And everywhere we go
(everywhere we go)
The sun won't always shine
(sun won't always shine)
But tomorrow will find a way
All the other times

'cause we are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down, oh no
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
Don't you bring me down today

Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today


I am so sick of people. If you have a problem then fucking talk about it! Confront the issue. Confront the person but don't just sit there and hope everything works out for itself. Cause guess what? If you don't do anything...it won't! And yea maybe i confront people a little too harshly sometimes and can get annoying doing it but at least i'm trying to fix something even if it ends up pointless like it has recently. So that is why I haven't said anything to anyone even though i have so many things to say but obviously i'm just going to look like a huge bitch saying them now. Even though it does seem like the only way to get anything across to people now is by bitching them out now.

Also i'm sick of hearing complaining about how life sucks because of lack or money or sucking at school or what not. Hears an idea. Do something about it! Get a job. Go to class and actually pay attention and do your homework. Actually try and then maybe things won't suck so bad. And hears a thought too. How bout try being nice and happy to people for a change and then maybe they will be nice and happy to you back and you might actually feel better about yourself and your life. Yea i have things to work on in these categories but at least i'm actually well i was actually trying to fix things and make things better. Yea it doesn't always work out like i've been finding out but at least i know i made and effort and if people still aren't happy with me and find me annoying then that's their problem not mine. Just stop taking it out on me behind my back. I haven't done anything to anyone so please, if you have nothing nice to say about me, then don't say anything to anyone at all. Ohh and don't say you care about me when you really don't because people who actually care would actually talk to me and tell me the truth instead of ignoring me and pretending i'm not there when other people are around. And don't pretend to dislike someone just because someone else doesn't like them or don't let someone drag you back into being a high schooler having to bitch about everything and everyone when they make you upset and things dont go your way. Yea i'm bitching right now, true, but i believe I have that right at the moment cause i've held it in long enough.

I am sorry if I offended anyone or am being rude but those are just my thoughts and if you disagree and find something I say totally wrong. Then fucking tell me and then maybe I actually might know what's going on instead of just assuming things by what I hear, what i hear from other people and what I see. Who know! maybe I am hugely over-reacting to all this and I have really no reason to be upset. But I won't know unless someone tells me so now will i?

Grow up. Move on from the high school drama shit, start moving forward and try and be a grown person for once. We can be great in life if we actually try.

If you really want to be my friend...just talk to me and if not tell me and we will be done.

I don't get it.

I've lately been bothered greatly by certain things. Most having to do with friends. I am lost and very confused on what is going on and frankly, I'm starting to get pissed.

I've begun to realize that I have friends that really care about me, that will text me when concerned, that will do anything to cheer me up, and that listen to me when I need to talk. I have friends that what to stay on everyone's good side so they will say whatever someone wants to hear just to keep them happy even if it's not true or they just won't talk at all cause they fear it will cause drama. Then I have friends who like to say they are my friends when really they don't care about me at all and rather me not be around.

This all is really hard for me because my friends are some of the most important people in my life but when some of them start treating me the way they are, it hurts me so much. I would give anything for them. I would be there for them whenever they need me. I would do anything they need me to do and I wouldn't even get that in return.

I don't get it. I don't understand what I did wrong to deserve this. I don't know why I annoy them. I don't know why they rather me not be around. I don't know why they don't talk to me. What did I do? And we all used to be such great friends and get along all the time so what happened? Why do I feel like its all my fault? That i'm the cause.

I know that I can get annoying sometimes. I know that I can get bitchy sometimes and argue a lot. But really who doesn't? No one had a problem with it before? So why now? I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. Everyone does. It's part of life.

People hardly tell me anything anymore. Everything is kept like a secret from me or i'm lied to. Seriously though. I'm a big girl. If I am told the truth like "sorry we just don't want to hang with you tonight" or "I'm hanging out with so and so" I would be perfectly fine with that. I'm not going to get all upset and make a huge deal about it. The only time I do that is when I find out that I'm being lied to my face. And I've hung out with the same people for a while now and I can pretty much tell when they are lying to me and when they are being honest.

And why does everyone think I'm going to start drama? I haven't started any sort of drama for a long time. I've grown a lot and have learned a lot of things in the past year. I'm not going to go out and be like omg he said this about me and this about you and I can't believe you did that, I'm gonna be so pissed off at you. No. That's just dumb. I know when to open my mouth and when to keep it closed. I'm not going to start drama. Yea I may hear things that I don't want to hear but oh well. That's life and I can't do anything about that. That doesn't mean I'm going to start drama.

Also yea I am really emotionally and get upset easily. But if anyone has been through what I have been through, they would be too. My life still isn't easy for me. I struggle everyday and it used to be that when I was having a horrible day, I would just go hang out with my friends and I would forget everything and be super happy. That doesn't happen anymore because some friends are against me now. I don't twitter what I'm feeling or anything for attention. I do it cause I need to say something somewhere because it all builds up inside me and I go crazy.

Cause of everything I've been through, it hurts when I try to turn to my friends and I get rejected. I've been in tears so many times because my friends all hate me, they don't want me around, i never get invited to hang out anymore, what have I done to make them hate me so much, how can i fix this? Heck I am in tears right now just writing this. So yea...i'm a lot more emotional than some people are, and yea I over-react but that's because I'm scared to lose my friends, I'm scared to have the past repeat itself, i'm scared of my future. I feel that after the 3 plus years i've known these friends, that they would know me by now, they would know how much I struggle with myself and with my life and they would be more understanding of how I am and the way I act but that doesn't seem to be the case at all.

I feel like we all lack major communication between us all. Things said within a small group travel very fast. It is so easy to misinterpret something someone said and just believe it without actually confirming if it is true or not. I feel like that's why it is so easy for some people to get so mad at someone. Someone might say "Oh they said that" when the person who said it didn't mean it that way at all. Texting is especially dangerous cause what may seem and innocent remark to the sender, the person recieving it may think it is a rude sarcastic remark and then they read it in that tone to someone else and they go "omg i can't believe they said that, how rude" when that wasn't even how it was suppose to be at all. Then it starts the whole oh they are such a bad person and we can't hang around with someone that does and says things like that. And people will hold onto that stuff for a long time and not let it go or try talking to the person they are mad at so it just stays and builds.

Sooo pretty much to sum it up. I don't get what I did cause no one will tell me. I love my friends so much and I just wish they would be my friends back. We all need to be honest and we all need to actually talk to one another.

I'm honestly trying my best to be a better person and to treat people the way that I would want to be treated. It's a hard thing to do but it is very possible. I am truly sorry if I ever hurt someone or upset them by saying something rude, sarcastic, or mean, or by any of my actions. I don't want people to hate me and I really want to be friends. Please don't judge me on my past, just judge me on me right now by talking to me and getting to know me and I do the same for you.

I'm just tired of feeling left out, feeling alone, feeling like I don't fit in anywhere. Like no body understands me really. I hope eventually those feelings will all go away but for now they are very real and still apart of me everyday.



I am sick. My body is aching in pain all over. My throat is soar. My head feels like it is going to explode. I really can't afford to be sick and hopefully it won't last long and only gets better. I hate being sick. So not fun. Boo.

Well seeing as lots of rest and sleep helps you on your way to recovery, I should probably get on that. Thanks for listening to my ranting and sorry about that too. Just need to get it out kinda. Well Good night to you all!

Lana

With death comes life

Everything went very well both yesterday and today. A lot of people came to the visitation and quite a bit to the funeral. It was all put together so lovely. I was one of the people to help put her casket into the hurst or whatever it's called. That was really a tough thing to do for sure.

It is amazing how many people my Grandma touched during her life. No one could dislike her ever. She was always happy to see everyone and she was one of the sweetest, kindest people around. She was really loved by so many and it makes it that much harder to see her go.

I miss her so much already.

I find it so amazing that even with the hurt and sadness of death, we celebrate life. The life that my Grandma lived and the new life she is living now. We even celebrate the new life coming into this world. At the burial site after Grandma was lowered into the ground and many tears were shed; I watched as my Aunt turned away from the casket and smiled hugely at the site of her newest granddaughter all wrapped up in her stroller. As one generation leaves, another one comes. Life and death will always be a continuous part of this world and as hard as death may be, it's the life you need to think about and remember cause that is what really counts. We celebrated two births today. The birth of my Grandma into this world, and the birth of her into God's hands in heaven.

I hope to live on in my Grandmother's footsteps. To be the person we all remember her to be. She was truly amazing and I know that she lives on in my heart and will guide me in the right path.

Rest in peace Grandma.

Night

Lana


P.S. The pizza was a really good idea Grandma, glad we could fulfill that wish of yours and as my Aunt would say "You finally did not wake up and say "OH shit, I'm still here"" Love you =)

Rest in peace Grandma Northouse.

This morning was rough. I had my alarm set for 5:00 am and of course was hitting the snooze button. As I was laying there in between hitting the snooze, I heard the phone ring. My heart sank. I knew that it had to be "the call" but I was crossing my fingers that it wasn't, though who would really be calling at 5:15 in the morning. I heard my Dad getting up and find my mom. I could hear them talking. A few mins later my Dad opened the door. I looked at him, he looked at me and said "Grandma passed away this morning around 4:00am, that was Aunt Terry on the phone. They said she went peacefully in her sleep." Of course I instantly started crying. Dad came over and hugged me. He told me that I should try and go into work and see if I can make it through the day though he was sure they would be fine with it if I had to leave.

I got up, went downstairs to eat breakfast. Mom came up and gave me a hug too and I ate in silence. After I went upstairs to get ready. I put my hair up and put on my work clothes. I lost it though. I couldn't stop crying enough to put on my make-up and finally I went downstairs and walked straight up to my mom and hugged her and she said "You can't go into work today...not like this." All I could do was shake my head. She offered to call but I said I could do it. I went upstairs and dialed sunsets number and asked for someone that I was working with. All I said was "My grandma passed away a couple of hours ago" and she said "I'm so sorry, don't worry about coming in today, we will cover it" Thank goodness they are understanding. I hung up and went back to sleep.

I woke up finally at 11:45ish. Still feeling like I could sleep more but decided that I should get up. Mom and Dad were gone. Katie said they went to meet with my Dad's sisters and talk about funeral things. I didn't feel like doing much so I sat around in the basement till like 3 and finally got up to take a shower. It started to become a steady on and off with the tears. Random things would pop into my mind causing the flow to start all over again. It is so hard to get over the shock that she isn't going to be around anymore. I have never had someone I was this close to pass away before. it is so much harder than I thought it would be.

I'm just so thankful that I got to see her yesterday even though that was tough. She was 85 and lived a full happy life surrounded by family and friends who loved her dearly and I know she is up there in heaven with my Grandpa now, finally at peace, no more pain and suffering and she is having a wonderful time. I'm going to miss her so much though but someday I will see her again.

I'm going to try and stick out the day tomorrow. I work at the zoo from 8-4 and then have class from 4:30-6:45. It's my longest day of the week and it usually drains me but hopefully it won't be too bad tomorrow and it will go quick. Visitation isn't until Wednesday and the funeral is Thursday. It's going to be a rough week for sure but thank goodness for all the family and friends that care and help me make it through.

Well I should really be sleeping right now so I"m going to go try that. Hope everyone has a good night and a great day tomorrow.

Rest in peace Grandma Northouse. I love you so much and will miss you dearly.

Night

Lana

I love you

I had a pretty good day over all...kinda. Church was good...although i was falling asleep....haha. Then we went out for breakfast after church and it was sooooo yummy!!! Yay good food. Then after that we went to visit my Grandma Northouse...that was not good at.

Two weeks ago my Grandma looked bad but not that bad. She could hear, talk, and was able to move. Today she looked awful. She can't get out of bed, she can't talk and she barely noticed we were there. We tried talking to her but all she did was stare at no where. Eventually my Dad was like "Mom? Mom can you hear me? I love you" I completely lost it right there and started bawling my eyes out. My sister and my mom followed with I love you's too. Then my Grandma looks over at us and manages to barely mouth I love you too back to us. It is so hard watching someone die. I can't even begin to explain it. It's even harder when you are really close to that person. A few mins later my Dad leaned over to me and asked me if I wanted to say goodbye to her. We were going to leave but I knew it wasn't just a normal goodbye, it was a goodbye forever. It took me a couple mins to compose myself. I leaned over, kissed her on the forehead and whispered "Goodbye Grandma, I love you" Hardest words to ever speak to someone. My mom went after me and I barely heard her say "Just let go and leave, you don't have to hang on for us, we love you a lot but you shouldn't fight any longer." It's so true. I didn't want to hear those words though. Leaving that place was so hard. I know for sure that that is the last time I will ever see my Grandma alive. The blood is already starting to stop fully circulating through her body. Mom says that she only has days left. It's just one more bad thing to add to my list.

After the visit we went home and i say around and decided to go to the mall to visit Brad! So I did and we talked for like an hour or so. It was really dead there so it was all good. After that I went home and played catch with my Dad and like three of the neighbor kids ran over to see what we were doing and then of course they wanted to join it. They were so cutee. I'm guessing like ages 5,6 and 7 or 8. Then I realized I had to be a Brad's like soon so I flew out of there to his house and went with him and his family downtown for their family pictures. It was pretty fun. It w as a beautiful day too. After that we went home and ate food and scott came over and then we headed to the theater to watch Jackass 3D with Grant, Aaron, and Michelle. The movie was totally awesome. I laughed like the whole time. There were for sure some really gross parts though that I couldn't even look.

After the movie I brought Scott and Brad back to Brad's house and then went over to Matt Nelson's house to hang out with him for a while. Caleb was over when I got there and we all just chilled and watched youtube videos. Then Josh showed up and Caleb left and we spent the next hour doing nothing...just talked. It was good to see them both.

Now it is bed time cause I have to work bright and early at 6am. Not too excited about that...that's for sure. I have the whole rest of the day off after that though so it's not so bad.

Well that is all for tonight. Night!

Lana

It's been a while...

Sooo yea its been a while since I last wrote a blog. I guess I just didn't have anything to say. Okay that's a lie. I had a lot that I could have said but chose not to say. A lot of stuff has been going through my mind lately...I suppose that's nothing out of the ordinary though.

I have the sudden urge to find my birthmom. I have no idea why but I just do. I kinda just want some questions answered and I am a very curious person.

I have a real itch to move out and have my own place.

I really need money.... boo.

I'm not going to write a long blog though tonight. I have church in the morning and it's late and I am tired. I even fell asleep a few times in the theater tonight...not a good thing.

More is to come. A lot more intense so get ready to brace yourselves. I shall talk to you all later.

Night

Lana

It's Kind of a Funny Story

I saw the movie "It's kind of a funny story" today with my sister. It was really good but really scary at the same time. I won't give anything away to those of you who want to see it but it was scary cause what that kid went through, what went through his mind, what he felt was almost exactly the same as me. The place that they had him in was also scary similar to pine rest. Like I almost started crying several times because of all the memories that movie brought back to me. I don't think it was such a good idea for me to see it. It's suppose to be a funny movie and what not but when you've been in that situation and you know exactly what they are going through, you look at it totally different than most people do. It still was good though.

I was just talking to my friend on the phone and he told me that he was thinking about signing up to be deployed. Which would mean he would get sent away like soon rather than in the next year or two. And he would most likely get sent to iraq or somewhere around there. It scares me and makes me sad at the same time. I'm just starting to actually be friends with him and he is like one of three people i can talk to about anything, and listens, and helps me out. He would be gone for a whole year too. That's a long time.

I have to work again tomorrow. I really don't want to. Ugh. Hopefully we won't be busy and we can get out on time then. One of the day ladies called me today and asked me to work for her on Monday during the day. I was like hell no, i already work at night, I'm not going to work all day too. Plus it's down in Village 1 which I don't like at all. Especially on a Monday cause that's when the menu changes so everyone wants to come down to check out what's on the menu for the week. It's annoying.

I think i am getting sick. I woke up this morning with a raw throat, like the scratchy feeling and my nose is very congested. I'm not happy about it at all. I can't afford to be sick. I have way too much stuff going on. That's probably why i am sick though, being exposed to such a variety of places, college rooms, sunset where sickness spreads like wildfire and the zoo andddd friends. Soo i guess i couldn't avoid it for too long. I just hope it's like a couple day thing and then it just goes away.

Haha that reminds me of last year when i lost my voice.....that was bad. I even went to work which was dumb cause it wasn't like i could take orders. Actually i had to switch with the girl who dishes up food for that reason. That was horrible. I have never lost my voice that bad before in my life. It was crazy.

Hopefully i find out this week if I got a job a VIPets. I really hope so. I realllllyyyyy want this job. Hopefully I could get more hours and it would pay higher than sunset so then i could quit sunset! That would be amazinggg! I'm totally crossing my fingers.

Okay well I should have been sleeping a long time ago. So i'm going to go to bed now. I shall talk to all of you later. Night! Sweet dreams!

Lana =)

Bedd.

Time for bed. Not much to report. Had a better day than yesterday. Still not very good though. Work allllll day tomorrow. Joy.

Night

Lana

Tree

I really don't have much to say. Day was normal. Nothing happened. All of the feelings I have today are the same as yesterday. So yeaaaaa. I have a test tomorrow that I didn't study for, we shall see how that goes. Hopefully the weekend goes by fast. I have to work all of it. Well that's it for me. Hope you all have a great night.

Lana

I'm alone. No one care. I'm done. Don't expect to see me around much.

If you really knew me

If you really knew me,

You would know that I had a good life growing up. My parents spoiled me a ton. I got to do so many things. I was especially close to my Dad and we would do all sorts of stuff together.

If you really knew me,

You would know that my Dad is an alcoholic. I found out in 6th grade. There were times that I noticed he was acting funny. He would be confused and repeat things he had already said. He wouldn't make any sense and I didn't get why. That wasn't the Dad I knew. The morning me and my Mom were leaving for Chicago, my Dad got really upset about something I did and he blew up at me and stormed out of the house slamming the door behind him without saying goodbye. I told my Mom on the way home from Chicago that I was scared to go home. That's when she told me what was really going on. He has always drank, but never this much until after he stopped smoking.
The next few years I lived in fear. I would never know when he would drink. When I would come home to him like that. Mom was always busy doing some sort of work. Sometimes she would be called into Sunset to work the later shift leaving me and my Dad home alone. Those were the nights he drank for sure. I never saw the alcohol though. He would always hid it and sneak it in his Diet Coke when no one was looking.

If you really knew me,

You would know my Dad verbally abused me. No swearing but just hurtful words. He was also very touchy. Nothing inappropriate but just always wanting hugs and telling me to come sleep in his bed until my Mom got home. I was too scared to say now. I didn't know when his next blow up at me would be. He was the reason I quit piano. Every Wednesday night he would drop me off for my lessons and come back drunk. I was scared to death to ride with him. I was too scared to be at home with him. I would always try and find some sort of an excuse to leave or just lock myself up in my room.

If you really knew me,

You would know that with a Workaholic mother and an Alcoholic father and a sister that was out of the house for college, I didn't get paid attention to that much. I was brought where I needed to go, bought the things I need and sent off. They were there for me but not truly. I still felt alone and scared.

If you really knew me,

You would know that I never really felt like I fit in anywhere. I had friends that I got along with fine all through out school but there was never that feeling that I truly belonged with them. Maybe that is why I've gone through so many of them.

If you really knew me,

You would know that after my Dad became sober. That is when my parents started to pay attention to me. What I did, who I talked to, what I said. That is when all the fighting started. We fight about everything now. Grades, friends, my life in general. Everything has to be done a certain way or I will be a failure. All of my flaws are noticed but never my achievements. There is always something that I did wrong. I dread coming home now just to hear the next thing I messed up with.

If you really knew me,

You would know that I struggled with my self esteem. Like a lot. It is one of my major stressors in my life. Always worrying about what people are thinking of me. Worrying about what they say about me. Worrying that I will make a fool out of myself. Worrying that I'm not good enough for anyone.

If you really knew me,

You would know that I am constantly depressed. I am a perfectionist when it comes to my life. I want it to be perfect and when one thing is out of place then everything comes crashing down around me and it takes me twice the amount of time to pick up all the pieces. I just want to be happy.

If you really knew me,

You would know that the reason I got mixed up in so many bad relationships and so many bad things is because they were the only things at the time that made me feel special. Made me feel like I was worth something. Made me feel wanted. Things that I wasn't feeling anywhere else.

If you really knew me,

You would know that back in the spring when I OD'ed on meds, I wasn't trying to kill myself, I didn't want to die but yet I didn't really care if I did die. I constantly feel that something bad needs to happen to me just so people will notice me and show me that they do care about me. I drive down the road wished I could get in an accident. I would never do anything of purpose to hurt myself though. Too much of a chicken to do so.

If you really knew me,

You would know that I really do care about everyone. My goal is to try and make everyone happy. I can't stand it when people aren't because then I always feel that it's my fault they aren't so I need to fix it.

If you really knew me,

You would know that I've made a ton of mistakes. I have a bad past and have hurt many people. But I'm not perfect and when I say that I am truly sorry and didn't mean to do any of it. I mean it. I'm trying my best to be honest.

If you really knew me,

You would know I am trying my best every single day to make things right.

If you really knew me,

Then maybe you wouldn't be so quick to judge.



I watched a show this morning on MTV and it was called "If you really knew me" and it was about bringing this high school together and opening up to their class mates to show that they aren't really that different at all and that everyone has a story. There was part of mine. What's yours?

My Dad talked to me more about my Grandma today and he said something that kind of struck me. "This life is so quick and there are so many unimportant people who just pass right through it like they weren't even there." I wasn't sure how to respond to that but my first thought was that I don't want to be one of those people. People who have done nothing big. Who just had normal lives. I don't want to be forgotten when I leave this world but then again I don't know how to accomplish that either.

My Grandma is dying. I love her so much.

I hung out with a friend that I haven't hung out with alone in 6 months. Yes, it was Josh and yes I did have a nice time. He came over we watched a movie and he left. That was it. I don't care if you guys judge me for that, or tell me how wrong I am by talking to him let alone hang out with him. I told him two and a half weeks ago that I didn't want to talk to him. And for those two and a half weeks there was nothing. Last night he called me and we ended up talking for two hours because he is one of two people who will sit there and listen to my problems, not judge me or tell me i'm wrong and he will help me through them. When you are hurting, feeling ignore, feeling unwanted, feeling lied to, then like me, you would talk to that person to. And just because I am talking to him does not mean that I like him either. He is a friend and that is all he will ever be. I like someone else anyway although that seems to be going south. Who knows.

Me and my Parents got in a huge fight today. Well me and my Mom did. We were literally screaming at each other. She told me she doesn't trust me. That I'm making all the wrong decisions lately. That I don't care about her or my Dad. That I'm going to end up back in Pine Rest if I continue like this. That I haven't done any changing at all. That I'm stupid and immature.
How am I suppose to feel good when that's what my parents think about me. It hurt me really bad. Crushed me inside. Now I feel so alone. Not even my parents believe in me. How am I suppose to go on? I don't know.

I'm scared.

Enough for tonight. Have a great night sleep everyone.

Lana

I don't get it

Soo yeaa i missed last night. I totally made one but my phone was being dumb and wouldn't send it. So yea... sorry bout that. Ummm I went to western yesterday and spent the night with my dear Megan and then stayed there all today hanging out with Ryan and Grant. It was a good time, lots a funny stuff always happens and of course....lots of jokes made. =P. Me, Ryan, and Grant went to see Easy A. Great movie. I laughed like a lot. It was really good. Then I drove home and kept yawning and didn't think I was going to make it butttttt I did! Yay for not crashing!

I feel really bad...but I skipped work at the zoo and class today. That needs to be the first and last time I ever do that this year cause it all went down hill when I started that last year. I have to be a good student and be on top of everything. So yea...not going to happen again although it was kinda nice....

I was planning on going to bed at 1 but at 12:50 someone called me and I ended up talking until 5 mins ago so like 2:45 sooo almost two hours. I just don't get it though. Doesn't make any sense the way some people think. I wasn't going to talk long either cause I didn't want to but as we got talking idk...at least...well nevermind.

I need to go to bed...sorry this is a short post. Tomorrow's will be longer i promise.

Night everyone! Sleep well!

Lana

Never Have I Ever

I'm posting early tonight. I have to be to work by 6:00 tomorrow. Bright and early! Joy! Not....so I want to try and get to bed on time. Well today was a pretty good day. I went to church this morning. I love singing church songs, well at least the Mars Hill songs. Then went home and colored in my coloring book until it was time to go to the wedding shower.

The wedding shower was definitely interesting. First of all, I learned that my cousin Erin, the one getting married, is no longer called erin now. She prefers Nicole, which is her middle name. She works in Costa Rica and I guess it is really hard to say Erin so she is called Nicole there cause that's a lot easier. Well the first game we played is called Never have I ever. I've heard of the game but just never played it. We each started off with 10 hersey's kisses and then someone would name of something that they have never done and if someone else has done that thing, then they have to get rid of a kiss. So the person with the most kisses left is the winner. Well of course I'm the youngest and haven't done as much. Plus my aunts and cousins have dirty minds lol. Someone's was that they had never been arrested and no one moved at first then one of my aunts slowly dropped on the kisses in the jar we had to put them in and of course everyone freaked out and asked what the heck she has been arrested for. She was just casually like "Prostitution." Of course I was like shocked and so was everyone else and seeing that she goes on to say "Actually no, i just didn't switch my license plates from my old car to my new one so I got pulled over and arrested and it was either $90 or 90 days. So yea that was pretty sweet. My 85 year old g-ma was the one that said she had never gone skinny dipping. That was interesting. Someone else said they had never gone topless on a topless beach and I was shocked to see like 3 or 4 people had! Yea it was just crazy. And I won too! I still have seven pieces left! So i got the jar and all the left over hersey kisses.

Then there was the bra game and they numbered the bras and we had to guess whose bra belonged to who. And of course the one time they were making sexual jokes about looking at eachothers boobs for size and if this is the part that we all go topless. I have a crazy family but It makes for a good time. That's for sure. I def didn't win that game though.

So the shower was done and me, katie and mom piled in the car and my mom goes, "Well girls, that's probably the last time you will see grandma, she's dying." She said it so casually too. That hit me hard. I knew we wasn't doing well, but she hasn't been doing well for the past year or two. So I didn't think much of it when my mom on the way to the shower said that she wasn't doing that well. So then when I heard her say that she was dying, it was just kinda like shock. I was really close to my grandma although lately since she moved to zeeland I haven't been able to talk to her that much. But I used to talk to her all the time and she would tell me stories and share old memories. I love her so much. Now i'm just thinking how she will never get to be at my wedding, or see my kids or anything like that. My mom doesn't think she will make it to Christmas either. That is so soon. I just don't deal with death that well. It makes me so sad. I just can't believe that it's true.

I've been in a really creative mood lately. Like I want to make something awesome or do some sort of project or come up with some new and exciting idea. But I have do idea what to do. I though about organizing my room. Drawing a picture. Taking pictures. Building something for something. Well, i've thought of lots of stuff and so far I have no idea. Well I have some what of an idea but I can't do it. At least not yet. We shall see though. Who knows, that whole creative thing could be gone with in the next couple of days.

I feel so much better today than I did yesterday even though nothing has happened since then. Well except for the fact I have to work bright and early...not happy about that at all. At least I can leave a little early cause I have an ortho appointment. I should be getting these suckers off soon! I can't wait!

Well nothing too exciting to report now. I need to be getting to bed soon anyway so yea. I shall talk to everyone later. Hope you all have a great night!!

Lana =)

Confused

I have to say, I'm not in a good mood right now. I have not had a great day. So I am going to sit here and blog about it.

Now everything I am about to say is just what I feel right now. It doesn't mean I think that is exactly what's going on or that is the exact truth about everything. I don't know a lot of things right now and that is partly why I am feeling this way in the first place. So that being said, just read this knowing that these are just my feelings and thats all.

Do you ever get the feelings that you are unwanted, being ignored, annoying people, and such? Well that is exactly how I've been feeling the last few days. I feel like I've been the one to initiate almost every conversation that I've had. I feel like I'm always having to invited myself to hang out with people and if I don't, then I won't be asked to hang out at all. I just don't understand? Do people not want me around them? Do they not want to hang out with me?

Other times I feel like I'm just getting excuses for everything. "Oh I have to do this" "I don't know if I can hang out tonight cause I have to do chores" ect. Then later that night, they are hanging out with people but they fail to mention that to me. The rest of the time no one ever texts me back so I just feel like I'm being ignored.

Seriously, I'm a big girl. If you don't want to hang out with me or if you don't want to talk to me then just tell me!! I'm not going to be angry, I'm not going to get upset. I just rather be told the truth then sit here wondering what I did wrong. I don't know what people think about me anymore. I don't know how people feel about me anymore. I know that I have changed recently though. I don't blow up like I used to. I'm not a bitch like I used to be. I know how to handle things a lot more maturely now and not get upset about it. I also know that I'm not as hyper and crazy as I used to be. I know that I'm probably not as fun to hang out with as I used to be. I just hate being in the dark.

I'm not stupid either. When you hang out with a close group of people, things are going to be found out. So why lie in the first place. I find things out. Trust me, to find out that someone was lying to you, hurts really bad. Even worse is when you know they are lying as they are telling you. You can tell a lot about something just by watching them and observing them. People might think I'm not paying any attention and in my own little world but that's not true. I know people very well just by watching them and listening to them so it gets easy to read people for the most part.

If you have to tell me something, then tell me! Don't be afraid to hurt my feelings. It's life! Feelings get hurt. I rather be told then live in a lie. Hoping for something thats not going to happen. Honesty is a powerful thing and it goes a long way.

I don't know if I am annoying people or what. I'm trying to do nice things. I'm trying to make people happy but I never know if I actually am cause I don't get any feedback or if I am just being annoying. I feel under appreciated and on occasions feel like I'm being taken advantage of. Like oh I hardly ever talk to you but I'm saying that I'm sleeping over at your house when I'm really not even with you.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm over-reacting and worrying too much and I don't need to at all. I do know however that there is just something not right. I just want to know what I am doing right and what I am doing wrong. I want to be the best person I can be. I want people to trust me. I want people to want me to talk to them. I want people to want to hang out with me. That's all.

Getting talked to by my parents today didn't help anything either. They were telling me how disappointed they were in my and how worried they were that I was going to relapse and end back up in pinerest again. I just love how much they believe in me...

So there are just some of my feelings. Maybe they are false. Maybe they are true. Who knows? I just needed to get it out of my system.

I made my first vlog today. If you haven't checked it out yet then you should. Tell me what you think of it!! Please!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txF-0Ahdf0M

there is the link, check it out!

I kinda want to go for a walk right now. Maybe through hagar...I don't know. I've built up a lot of emotions and just need to get them out of me. Walks usually help that.

Sorry for this being such a depressing post. I didn't really mean for it to be that way, it just all kinda came out once I started.

I'm going to go do that now. I will maybe update when I get back.

My walk was alright. I made the mistake of walking through a small part of Hagar and ended up freaking myself out...I don't know what I was think. Then I walked around. The majority of my walk to all the way down and back up pinewood though. Saw some of my friends pass me...

I got home and went to sit in my backyard for a while letting the emotions come out of me in the form of tears. I looked beautiful after that. That's for sure. Now I'm updating and about to go to bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Well night everyone. Better blog tomorrow...I promise!

lana =)

I am too nice

Tonight was a very interesting night to say the least. I had lots of fun! I found a kitty and was playing with it until it ran away. Then Brad went off and hid somewhere (we were at grand river park) so I went to go find him and while I did, everyone else decided to run away! It was getting very dark mind you and everyone knows how well I handle the dark. Well Brad succeeded in scaring me half to death, I was not happy but then he decided to come with me to find the others. I was not going to go into those dark scary woods by myself. Long story short, we couldn't find them until they suddenly appeared on this random path. Then off to Taco Bell we went. We went so early we actually ate inside. *SHOCK* it felt very weird....

So yea the rest of the night was playing halo, looking up funny videos, and making fun of each other. Good times I must say. It put me in a good mood. I was super tired though and I am still super tired right now. I still have that feeling where I am going to pass out too. I don't know what to do about that. Ohhh wellllll.

FUCK YOU!

My friends are crazy. I hate to admit it but it's true. I have no idea why I am friends with them. Actually I do. It's cause they are hilarious. Even if they are crazy. It makes for a very entertaining time when I am with them. My life would be so boring without their silliness and odd sense of humor lol. I love them for that though! =) And I am wayyy too nice to them =P. Getting them food and buying them mango tangos when I really didn't have to. But then again, I like buying people things and making people happy and if that's what it takes then I shall do it! So pretty much if any of my friends ever wants something or needs something and they ask, I will most likely get it for them or do whatever for them. I'm their Bitch!! Haha

You should check out my Lemurs that I put on facebook. They are soo cute! I was playing with them one day. Well from behind a window but it was still fun and they were still like *right* there in front of me so it was pretty awesome.

Omg...I can't believe it is this late. My parents are going to be pissed at me tomorrow and have the whole "You need to get to bed at a good time and get a full amount of sleep so you aren't tired the next day....blah blah blah" I shall have to escape my house of the majority of the day tomorrow...just in case that talk comes up. It's the weekend though! And i have it off. So shouldn't that mean I should get some freedom to hang out late and stay up late? Its not like I won't be able to sleep in or anything in the morning. Though my Dad will probably wake me up....like he did this morning. OHhhhhh that pissed me off. He comes in my room, as I'm literally getting out of bed, turns on the light and is all like "What time is class? Get up." and I was like seriously? Did you really have to do that...yes I did actually say that and he was like "yup" ohh that made me mad. He always does stuff like that too.

Tigers are amazing. I don't care what anyone else says about them.

Alright, I'm really not in the mood for blogging right now. I just want to sleep. My bed is becoming way too comfy right now so I feel like this is the time to end this wonderful blog. Can't wait to see the new Vlog! I have a feeling that it's going to be a good one! Hopefully those crazy kids get some sleep tonight! Night everyone! Sweet dreams! =)

Lana =)

Sadface to the max =(

Oww. I have a headache. I have had one all night so far. Sadface to the max.

Today was good. I had an appointment with my Therapist. She seemed really happy with the progress that I have been making and said I was starting to think and sound very mature. I was very happy about that! Then I went to sunset to set up a set schedule and then went home to call VIPets and gave them my schedule. Then class was at 4:30 and it was test day. I was the second one to get done. I'm not sure if that is good or bad but I feel really good about how it went. After that I went to Culterville which ended up being a terrifying driving experience! I had to turn left to get onto the on ramp for the highway and it was a green light and everyone in the left lane was turning and when it was my turn, all the sudden cars started coming across so I had to stop and it was those stupid stoplights that you can only tell what color they are from a certain angle and so I was really confused and didn't think it was my turn cause cars kept going by me and then all the sudden that bitch of a lady behind me started honking her horn several times and I could see her mouthing GO! but I could cause there were cars from the other direction turning into the on ramp so what am I suppose to do? Drive right into them? Umm no. So as she honked several more times like I couldn't hear her....finally the cars stopped and I assumed it was my turn to go so I went. I was like freaking out though cause I had no idea what was going on....so scary. Then the highway was like super busy too. I have to remember not to go at 5:30...bad idea.

So yea went home, did homework, Dad made me dinner, got bored, brad came over, played guitar hero for a bit, bryan said we could come over, rode with brad to bryan's and we watched Robin Hood. Very good movie but very long. Bryan slept through the whole thing lol. After that we chilled. Grant came over and we chilled some moree. We watched this monster catfish thing show. Very exciting. I was suppose to be home at 12....so Dad called at 1 very pissed off that I wasn't home yet. Ohhhh wellll. He wasn't even up when I got home so whatever. He will like mention it tomorrow and blah blah blah and then be over it.

I'm going shopping tomorrow with Bryan, Brad, Mike? and whoever else. Gotta buy my drug rug! Haha. Should be a fun time. I'm so excited about having the whole weekend off to do nothing!!! It's going to be awesome...i hope....

I'm your friend.

Ummmmmmmmmm i don't have much to say tonight. Bryan and Grant better do a blog tonight! Cause I feel like they haven't done one in foreverrrrrrrrrrr. That's a long time. Like really long. So they should get on that. And be funny. Cause that is what they are good at. Very good at. I like to laugh. A lot. They make me laugh. A lot. Soooo yeaaaa....FUNNY! =D

Sweeeet Tangerineeee

I've been listening to the Hush Sound way too much the last couple of days. It's a good change though. I haven't listened to something like them in a long time and I really like it. Plus they are really good so that helps too. Yay musiccc! Oh how I love you so. I would come up with an awesome analogy right here but I have to admit, I'm not good at analogies at all. Grant is though....that one about dinosaurs today....giggle giggle!! And the one about the 40s women or something. Great one too. Haha.

Do you ever have that feeling where you just feel like you're going to pass out. That's how I feel like now...well at least the whole time I've had this headache at least. It just is a throbbing pressure that makes me feel very light-headed and like I'm gong to pass out any second. It is so strange and I'm not really sure what to do about it. Well I suppose I'm just gonna let it go. I've always wondered what it would be like to pass out....hmmm maybe I will get to find out! That would be like totally awesome! Well kinda....except for the fact that I would be passed out....hmm....

I don't want to go to class tomorrow. I'm probably going to be drawing the whole time. Any suggestions as to what I should draw? Like seriously??!! I'm getting sick of drawing the same things over and over so if you have something. Please let me know! Lol. A three hour and fifteen min class is not that fun at all.

Okay imma go to bed now. Good night everybody! Hope you all sleep well....or at least get some sleep! =P Have a great day tomorrow!

Lana =)

Pudge controls the weather

Okayy so I really don't feel like doing a blog right now. I am super tired. I probably should start getting to bed earlier. Which is sad cause earlier for me would mean like 9 or 10, for others, this would be early. Yea I have no idea why I am so tired though. Maybe cause I've been working a lot? Like the fast 5 days in a row I've worked at one place or another. So yea, when I'm done with this blog, it's off to bed for me!

Today was normal. The only thing that was interesting was that I went into VIPets today cause they found my old application and wanted to update it. So I went in and talked to the manager and he explained everything I would be doing if I got a job there and wanted to know about what I do at the zoo and stuff. I think it went well over all. The only thing was that I really didn't know what to expect going in there so I really didn't know what to say to him when he was talking to me and he had me fill out the application while he was talking so it was hard to like listen to him and fill it out at the same time. Idk. But we shall see!

Umm yea so i worked and the zoo and came home and chilled with my sister and that was about it. A new GH episode was on tonight. It was pretty awesome! I gotta say though, I really miss Steve and Tango. They like totally made the show. I hope they come back soon!

I love doing tests. It is fun...well not fun but just interesting to find out what the results are. I'm currently running some tests right now. We shall see how they turn out. I have a feeling I know exactly was the results are going to be. I hate to say it but when they say girls know everything, their not lying. We do know everything and if we don't, we will find out. We have our ways. I just hate it sometimes cause then I have to do things that I don't want to do but somethings you just need to do to get results. Otherwise you my never know things.

Yea, okay, I'm way too tired to even think right now. I'm off to bed. Maybe I will update in the morning (I always say that but never do...). Night everyone!!

Lana

Have you any idea why a raven is like a writing desk?

Oh lets see...where to start. Well my day was fine. I worked at the zoo from 8-4 and got to play with lemurs! Well from behind a window. I have pictures. I shall have to post them sometime. They are soooo cute! Right after the zoo I headed to math where we just did review for the upcoming test. So boring. I went home, ate food, and watched a movie. Now I've been messing around on-line and currently am writing this blog. Very exciting day. I know.

Wow...I never thought that I would hear my parents say we need money. That is what my mom told me when I asked her why she was selling her car. You have to understand that I have had an amazing childhood. I got pretty much everything that I asked for. I was always able to get my parents to buy me things. We had traveled across the country seeing everything! As I got older they bought me a car, paid for my gas, let me go to Romania, the Bahamas, Washington D.C. I honestly can say that I was a spoiled child...although I believe the reason I was has to do with things that I rather now get into at the moment. So when I hear that we need more money...it comes as a huge shock to me. My parents have always been well off and just a few years ago we were completely debt free, no house payments or anything. Now I feel really bad about all the things they have spent money on me recently...like I feel horrible. Apparently my Dad is making less than half of what he had been making which is crazy cause he is like the top insurance agent at his company. Idk...it just strikes me hard.

So my mom walks downstairs while I'm watching my movie and was all like "So this is totally random but on Sunday we are having a shower for Erin (my cousin)..." and I was like "A shower for Erin, why?" and she was like "She's getting married, didn't you know that?" and I was like "Ummmm no...." and she was like "I thought we told you then." and I was like "Mom you never tell me anything! What the heck!" and then she continued on to ask if I was going to be able to go. So yea...apparently my cousin is getting married. The wedding will be in Costa Rica though, that's where she lives and where her fiance is from. She's been doing Mission work in that area for a while now. Pretty awesome I gotta say!

My thoughts have been going crazyyyyy today. Like seriously. I worry about things way too much and I have a feeling that I'm wrong about of a lot of things...or maybe I'm hoping I am...cause I really don't know. I just wonder what things that I have been told are truth or lies. I almost feel like I'm being told what I want to hear. I just have a hard time knowing what to think anymore. I know what I want to think but I can't help thinking about the things that I don't what to think and that causes me to think even more. Am I doing anything right though? I have no idea. I don't want to be annoying but at the same time I don't want to be put aside and forgotten about. I can't help feeling second and not important. Like I said, way too many things going through my head. I don't want to really go into anymore detail than that.

Tampon.

I totally was thinking about something today in math that I needed to write about in my blog and I was going to write it down but of course I told myself that I didn't need to and that I would remember....haha. It is like really bugging the crap out of me though. You have no idea!

Have you any idea why a raven is like a writing desk?

I totally feel like my schedule is crazy and that it's about to become crazier. I have school, work, homework, volunteering, a billion appointment, a ton of things I need to do like get a tutor, talk to teachers, get an oil change, get gas, go to the mall, get kaki pants. Lots of things. And then I might be adding yet another job to everything. Oh and I was talking with the zoo keeper that I was working with and she suggested that I talk to the volunteer coordinator and see if I can't follow the vet tech who works at the zoo around. So that would be yet another thing to add to my schedule. Then I worry about things on top of all that. I'm starting to get kinda stressed out. But not near as bad as last year. It's funny...okay well not really funny but the way I can tell if I am stressed out is cause my back right shoulder, the muscle there will just start throbbing and a huge knot with form. That also happnens when I've been working all day...which I have. At least I know now how to handle my stress and not let it get to me. Things are still going good!

Smart Water doesn't make you smart.

Mmmm my hands smell good right now...not that I was just sitting here smelling them or anything... Okay I was but not gonna lie, I really like the way my hands smell after I take a shower cause it almost has that chlorine smell to it but not quite and mmmm it just smells good!

Fun fact: John Ball zoo is 119 years old. CRAZY! I just found that out and apparently they had a bear escape in the late 1800's and they couldn't herd it back in so they just shot it. Hunting was a way of life back then I suppose lol. Oh and the bear's name was Jack.

So many people have been asking me to work this weekend. But I have this whole weekend off and I'm sorry but I'm going to keep it that way. I haven't had a full weekend off since like the start of summer, not including the days that I asked off. I just want to have a weekend to do whatever I want and actually have a sunday that I don't have to work cause I know for sure that i've worked the last 4 or 5 sundays now.

Okay that is all I got for now. I'm sure there is stuff that I was going to say that I forgot about. I might be up for a little while still so maybe I will update if I remember them....If i remember to that is.

At least I won't be woken up out of a very deep sleep like I was this morning. Like I was seriously sleeping so good, so sound and having a good dream too and of course they radio goes on.

My hand still smells good! =)

Alrighty people. I hope you all have a really good night. Feel free to text me whenever! Have a great day tomorrow. Sleep well, sweet dreams and I shall talk laterr!

Lana

Can't blame you for thinking
That you never really knew me at all
I tried to deny you
But nothing ever made me feel so wrong

I thought I was protecting you
From everything that I go through
But I know that we got lost along the way

Here I am with all my heart
I hope you understand
I know I let you down
But I'm never gonna make
That mistake again
You brought me closer
To who I really am
Come take my hand
I want the world to see
What you mean to me


Just know that I'm sorry
I never wanted to make you feel so small
Our story is just beginning
But let the truth break down these walls (oh yeah yeah)

And every time I think of you
I think of how you pushed me through
And show me how much better I could be

Here I am with all my heart
I hope you understand
I know I let you down
But I'm never gonna make
That mistake again
You brought me closer
To who I really am
Come take my hand
I want the world to see
What you mean to me

You make me feel like I'm myself
Instead of being someone else
I wanna live that every day
You say what no one else was saying
You know exactly how to get to me
You know it's what I need
It's what I need yeah

Just the way you are

Heeellllllooooooooooo! =)

I'm tired. But that's alright! Cause I had fun the last couple of days! Let's seeee. I actually slept really well last night. The floor was really comfy thanks to blankets and a sleeping bag! I had my pillow with me also! Except my tiger was missing.....I felt so weird with out him. But as my Dad would say "You're 19." and it's truee...I need to learn to deal without my tiger. Well I guess it's not like I can't have my tiger. I just like to hug things with one of my arms as I'm falling asleep, it's hard for me to do so without anything to hug! I made do last night though!

Anywayyyyy I slept really well until Grant's alarm went off...which I thought was Ryan's at the time but apparently not....and then I fell back asleep on and off until I fully woke up at like 11 and realized that Grant probably should be getting up too so I woke him up. Then we went down to breakfast and ate food. Grant and Jeff then went off to class and I went back to Grant and Ryan's dorm where I did like nothing...okay I lied, I picked up my "bed" and did homework and had fun with post-it notes! Hehe. Then around oneish everyone came back and I guess it was time for lunch so me, Ryan, and Grant headed down for lunch. Got in free today thanks to Grant boobs! We sat down to eat and Jeff shows up out of no where, not eating just to sit...ugh. Then we quickly ate and headed back to the dorm where we say and watched more videos and I looked at magazines and not much happened but it was still niceee. Grant had to leave for class and I hung around a bit later and then decided to leave.

So yea, got to my car and guess what was on it. Yup. A ticket. Haha not surprised I suppose and maybe I will get out of it like I got out of the last one I got there! We shall see. But that also means I have to go back up to WMU again sometime in the next 2 weeks cause if I wait longer I will have to pay $25 instead of $15 and I don't want that. So I'm like totally bummed to have to go back...not looking forward to it at all.......Kidding! I'm totally excited! cause I have lots of fun with my friends up there forrr shizzle.

I had to like fly home cause I left later than I should've and silly me didn't think about the traffic. I got home like 15 mins till and flew upstairs to change. Ran to my car and sped away but then I realized I forgot my phone and so I had to turn around and get it of course. All and all I ended up being 2 mins late for work. Sadfacee. But yeaaa. Work was the slowest that I've ever had it be. I worked in the Cafe and seriously from 6:30 to 8 we had no tables at all. So we sat there and did nothing until we could clean up and that took us like 15 mins so we got to sit for another 45 mins. It was sooo much fun...not. We do have pretty interesting conversations though. Like how guys are dumb and can never make up their minds, or engagement rings, or better yet, the Bi nurse that works up stairs threatening one of the nurse-aids (who is like low 20's might I add) who is sleeping with some older guy and the nurse likes. Yea...we have crazy people at sunset.

Now I am sitting at home chatting with people and writing this blog. I am such an exciting person!

I just realized that I need to expand my vocabulary. Cause as I am talking to people it is consisting of "lol, haha, mhmmm, yeaa, awesome, sweet and ohh" I never really was that great with english. I'm not one of those people either who can always come up with something clever and funny to say. Then I also run into the problem of not knowing what to say cause I don't want to sound stupid but I don't know what to say to sound smart either and thats when those words come into play. I only seem to have this probably mainly when I'm talking on the computer or texting someone though. That's why I like talking on the phone or in person so much better. I just feel like it's an easier way to chat about things. And it's a lot quicker too. Random thoughtttt!

I have to walk downstairs again...in the dark...ughh. I don't like the dark.....=(

Well hopefully everything is getting better. I think it is. I have a good feeling at least. =)

Well off to bed. Zoo bright and early tomorrow morning and then class right after that. I don't want to be too tired! I hope everyone had a good nights sleep and has a great day tomorrow!

Lana =)