I don't get it.

I've lately been bothered greatly by certain things. Most having to do with friends. I am lost and very confused on what is going on and frankly, I'm starting to get pissed.

I've begun to realize that I have friends that really care about me, that will text me when concerned, that will do anything to cheer me up, and that listen to me when I need to talk. I have friends that what to stay on everyone's good side so they will say whatever someone wants to hear just to keep them happy even if it's not true or they just won't talk at all cause they fear it will cause drama. Then I have friends who like to say they are my friends when really they don't care about me at all and rather me not be around.

This all is really hard for me because my friends are some of the most important people in my life but when some of them start treating me the way they are, it hurts me so much. I would give anything for them. I would be there for them whenever they need me. I would do anything they need me to do and I wouldn't even get that in return.

I don't get it. I don't understand what I did wrong to deserve this. I don't know why I annoy them. I don't know why they rather me not be around. I don't know why they don't talk to me. What did I do? And we all used to be such great friends and get along all the time so what happened? Why do I feel like its all my fault? That i'm the cause.

I know that I can get annoying sometimes. I know that I can get bitchy sometimes and argue a lot. But really who doesn't? No one had a problem with it before? So why now? I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. Everyone does. It's part of life.

People hardly tell me anything anymore. Everything is kept like a secret from me or i'm lied to. Seriously though. I'm a big girl. If I am told the truth like "sorry we just don't want to hang with you tonight" or "I'm hanging out with so and so" I would be perfectly fine with that. I'm not going to get all upset and make a huge deal about it. The only time I do that is when I find out that I'm being lied to my face. And I've hung out with the same people for a while now and I can pretty much tell when they are lying to me and when they are being honest.

And why does everyone think I'm going to start drama? I haven't started any sort of drama for a long time. I've grown a lot and have learned a lot of things in the past year. I'm not going to go out and be like omg he said this about me and this about you and I can't believe you did that, I'm gonna be so pissed off at you. No. That's just dumb. I know when to open my mouth and when to keep it closed. I'm not going to start drama. Yea I may hear things that I don't want to hear but oh well. That's life and I can't do anything about that. That doesn't mean I'm going to start drama.

Also yea I am really emotionally and get upset easily. But if anyone has been through what I have been through, they would be too. My life still isn't easy for me. I struggle everyday and it used to be that when I was having a horrible day, I would just go hang out with my friends and I would forget everything and be super happy. That doesn't happen anymore because some friends are against me now. I don't twitter what I'm feeling or anything for attention. I do it cause I need to say something somewhere because it all builds up inside me and I go crazy.

Cause of everything I've been through, it hurts when I try to turn to my friends and I get rejected. I've been in tears so many times because my friends all hate me, they don't want me around, i never get invited to hang out anymore, what have I done to make them hate me so much, how can i fix this? Heck I am in tears right now just writing this. So yea...i'm a lot more emotional than some people are, and yea I over-react but that's because I'm scared to lose my friends, I'm scared to have the past repeat itself, i'm scared of my future. I feel that after the 3 plus years i've known these friends, that they would know me by now, they would know how much I struggle with myself and with my life and they would be more understanding of how I am and the way I act but that doesn't seem to be the case at all.

I feel like we all lack major communication between us all. Things said within a small group travel very fast. It is so easy to misinterpret something someone said and just believe it without actually confirming if it is true or not. I feel like that's why it is so easy for some people to get so mad at someone. Someone might say "Oh they said that" when the person who said it didn't mean it that way at all. Texting is especially dangerous cause what may seem and innocent remark to the sender, the person recieving it may think it is a rude sarcastic remark and then they read it in that tone to someone else and they go "omg i can't believe they said that, how rude" when that wasn't even how it was suppose to be at all. Then it starts the whole oh they are such a bad person and we can't hang around with someone that does and says things like that. And people will hold onto that stuff for a long time and not let it go or try talking to the person they are mad at so it just stays and builds.

Sooo pretty much to sum it up. I don't get what I did cause no one will tell me. I love my friends so much and I just wish they would be my friends back. We all need to be honest and we all need to actually talk to one another.

I'm honestly trying my best to be a better person and to treat people the way that I would want to be treated. It's a hard thing to do but it is very possible. I am truly sorry if I ever hurt someone or upset them by saying something rude, sarcastic, or mean, or by any of my actions. I don't want people to hate me and I really want to be friends. Please don't judge me on my past, just judge me on me right now by talking to me and getting to know me and I do the same for you.

I'm just tired of feeling left out, feeling alone, feeling like I don't fit in anywhere. Like no body understands me really. I hope eventually those feelings will all go away but for now they are very real and still apart of me everyday.



I am sick. My body is aching in pain all over. My throat is soar. My head feels like it is going to explode. I really can't afford to be sick and hopefully it won't last long and only gets better. I hate being sick. So not fun. Boo.

Well seeing as lots of rest and sleep helps you on your way to recovery, I should probably get on that. Thanks for listening to my ranting and sorry about that too. Just need to get it out kinda. Well Good night to you all!

Lana