If you really knew me

If you really knew me,

You would know that I had a good life growing up. My parents spoiled me a ton. I got to do so many things. I was especially close to my Dad and we would do all sorts of stuff together.

If you really knew me,

You would know that my Dad is an alcoholic. I found out in 6th grade. There were times that I noticed he was acting funny. He would be confused and repeat things he had already said. He wouldn't make any sense and I didn't get why. That wasn't the Dad I knew. The morning me and my Mom were leaving for Chicago, my Dad got really upset about something I did and he blew up at me and stormed out of the house slamming the door behind him without saying goodbye. I told my Mom on the way home from Chicago that I was scared to go home. That's when she told me what was really going on. He has always drank, but never this much until after he stopped smoking.
The next few years I lived in fear. I would never know when he would drink. When I would come home to him like that. Mom was always busy doing some sort of work. Sometimes she would be called into Sunset to work the later shift leaving me and my Dad home alone. Those were the nights he drank for sure. I never saw the alcohol though. He would always hid it and sneak it in his Diet Coke when no one was looking.

If you really knew me,

You would know my Dad verbally abused me. No swearing but just hurtful words. He was also very touchy. Nothing inappropriate but just always wanting hugs and telling me to come sleep in his bed until my Mom got home. I was too scared to say now. I didn't know when his next blow up at me would be. He was the reason I quit piano. Every Wednesday night he would drop me off for my lessons and come back drunk. I was scared to death to ride with him. I was too scared to be at home with him. I would always try and find some sort of an excuse to leave or just lock myself up in my room.

If you really knew me,

You would know that with a Workaholic mother and an Alcoholic father and a sister that was out of the house for college, I didn't get paid attention to that much. I was brought where I needed to go, bought the things I need and sent off. They were there for me but not truly. I still felt alone and scared.

If you really knew me,

You would know that I never really felt like I fit in anywhere. I had friends that I got along with fine all through out school but there was never that feeling that I truly belonged with them. Maybe that is why I've gone through so many of them.

If you really knew me,

You would know that after my Dad became sober. That is when my parents started to pay attention to me. What I did, who I talked to, what I said. That is when all the fighting started. We fight about everything now. Grades, friends, my life in general. Everything has to be done a certain way or I will be a failure. All of my flaws are noticed but never my achievements. There is always something that I did wrong. I dread coming home now just to hear the next thing I messed up with.

If you really knew me,

You would know that I struggled with my self esteem. Like a lot. It is one of my major stressors in my life. Always worrying about what people are thinking of me. Worrying about what they say about me. Worrying that I will make a fool out of myself. Worrying that I'm not good enough for anyone.

If you really knew me,

You would know that I am constantly depressed. I am a perfectionist when it comes to my life. I want it to be perfect and when one thing is out of place then everything comes crashing down around me and it takes me twice the amount of time to pick up all the pieces. I just want to be happy.

If you really knew me,

You would know that the reason I got mixed up in so many bad relationships and so many bad things is because they were the only things at the time that made me feel special. Made me feel like I was worth something. Made me feel wanted. Things that I wasn't feeling anywhere else.

If you really knew me,

You would know that back in the spring when I OD'ed on meds, I wasn't trying to kill myself, I didn't want to die but yet I didn't really care if I did die. I constantly feel that something bad needs to happen to me just so people will notice me and show me that they do care about me. I drive down the road wished I could get in an accident. I would never do anything of purpose to hurt myself though. Too much of a chicken to do so.

If you really knew me,

You would know that I really do care about everyone. My goal is to try and make everyone happy. I can't stand it when people aren't because then I always feel that it's my fault they aren't so I need to fix it.

If you really knew me,

You would know that I've made a ton of mistakes. I have a bad past and have hurt many people. But I'm not perfect and when I say that I am truly sorry and didn't mean to do any of it. I mean it. I'm trying my best to be honest.

If you really knew me,

You would know I am trying my best every single day to make things right.

If you really knew me,

Then maybe you wouldn't be so quick to judge.



I watched a show this morning on MTV and it was called "If you really knew me" and it was about bringing this high school together and opening up to their class mates to show that they aren't really that different at all and that everyone has a story. There was part of mine. What's yours?

My Dad talked to me more about my Grandma today and he said something that kind of struck me. "This life is so quick and there are so many unimportant people who just pass right through it like they weren't even there." I wasn't sure how to respond to that but my first thought was that I don't want to be one of those people. People who have done nothing big. Who just had normal lives. I don't want to be forgotten when I leave this world but then again I don't know how to accomplish that either.

My Grandma is dying. I love her so much.

I hung out with a friend that I haven't hung out with alone in 6 months. Yes, it was Josh and yes I did have a nice time. He came over we watched a movie and he left. That was it. I don't care if you guys judge me for that, or tell me how wrong I am by talking to him let alone hang out with him. I told him two and a half weeks ago that I didn't want to talk to him. And for those two and a half weeks there was nothing. Last night he called me and we ended up talking for two hours because he is one of two people who will sit there and listen to my problems, not judge me or tell me i'm wrong and he will help me through them. When you are hurting, feeling ignore, feeling unwanted, feeling lied to, then like me, you would talk to that person to. And just because I am talking to him does not mean that I like him either. He is a friend and that is all he will ever be. I like someone else anyway although that seems to be going south. Who knows.

Me and my Parents got in a huge fight today. Well me and my Mom did. We were literally screaming at each other. She told me she doesn't trust me. That I'm making all the wrong decisions lately. That I don't care about her or my Dad. That I'm going to end up back in Pine Rest if I continue like this. That I haven't done any changing at all. That I'm stupid and immature.
How am I suppose to feel good when that's what my parents think about me. It hurt me really bad. Crushed me inside. Now I feel so alone. Not even my parents believe in me. How am I suppose to go on? I don't know.

I'm scared.

Enough for tonight. Have a great night sleep everyone.

Lana