Confused

I have to say, I'm not in a good mood right now. I have not had a great day. So I am going to sit here and blog about it.

Now everything I am about to say is just what I feel right now. It doesn't mean I think that is exactly what's going on or that is the exact truth about everything. I don't know a lot of things right now and that is partly why I am feeling this way in the first place. So that being said, just read this knowing that these are just my feelings and thats all.

Do you ever get the feelings that you are unwanted, being ignored, annoying people, and such? Well that is exactly how I've been feeling the last few days. I feel like I've been the one to initiate almost every conversation that I've had. I feel like I'm always having to invited myself to hang out with people and if I don't, then I won't be asked to hang out at all. I just don't understand? Do people not want me around them? Do they not want to hang out with me?

Other times I feel like I'm just getting excuses for everything. "Oh I have to do this" "I don't know if I can hang out tonight cause I have to do chores" ect. Then later that night, they are hanging out with people but they fail to mention that to me. The rest of the time no one ever texts me back so I just feel like I'm being ignored.

Seriously, I'm a big girl. If you don't want to hang out with me or if you don't want to talk to me then just tell me!! I'm not going to be angry, I'm not going to get upset. I just rather be told the truth then sit here wondering what I did wrong. I don't know what people think about me anymore. I don't know how people feel about me anymore. I know that I have changed recently though. I don't blow up like I used to. I'm not a bitch like I used to be. I know how to handle things a lot more maturely now and not get upset about it. I also know that I'm not as hyper and crazy as I used to be. I know that I'm probably not as fun to hang out with as I used to be. I just hate being in the dark.

I'm not stupid either. When you hang out with a close group of people, things are going to be found out. So why lie in the first place. I find things out. Trust me, to find out that someone was lying to you, hurts really bad. Even worse is when you know they are lying as they are telling you. You can tell a lot about something just by watching them and observing them. People might think I'm not paying any attention and in my own little world but that's not true. I know people very well just by watching them and listening to them so it gets easy to read people for the most part.

If you have to tell me something, then tell me! Don't be afraid to hurt my feelings. It's life! Feelings get hurt. I rather be told then live in a lie. Hoping for something thats not going to happen. Honesty is a powerful thing and it goes a long way.

I don't know if I am annoying people or what. I'm trying to do nice things. I'm trying to make people happy but I never know if I actually am cause I don't get any feedback or if I am just being annoying. I feel under appreciated and on occasions feel like I'm being taken advantage of. Like oh I hardly ever talk to you but I'm saying that I'm sleeping over at your house when I'm really not even with you.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm over-reacting and worrying too much and I don't need to at all. I do know however that there is just something not right. I just want to know what I am doing right and what I am doing wrong. I want to be the best person I can be. I want people to trust me. I want people to want me to talk to them. I want people to want to hang out with me. That's all.

Getting talked to by my parents today didn't help anything either. They were telling me how disappointed they were in my and how worried they were that I was going to relapse and end back up in pinerest again. I just love how much they believe in me...

So there are just some of my feelings. Maybe they are false. Maybe they are true. Who knows? I just needed to get it out of my system.

I made my first vlog today. If you haven't checked it out yet then you should. Tell me what you think of it!! Please!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txF-0Ahdf0M

there is the link, check it out!

I kinda want to go for a walk right now. Maybe through hagar...I don't know. I've built up a lot of emotions and just need to get them out of me. Walks usually help that.

Sorry for this being such a depressing post. I didn't really mean for it to be that way, it just all kinda came out once I started.

I'm going to go do that now. I will maybe update when I get back.

My walk was alright. I made the mistake of walking through a small part of Hagar and ended up freaking myself out...I don't know what I was think. Then I walked around. The majority of my walk to all the way down and back up pinewood though. Saw some of my friends pass me...

I got home and went to sit in my backyard for a while letting the emotions come out of me in the form of tears. I looked beautiful after that. That's for sure. Now I'm updating and about to go to bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Well night everyone. Better blog tomorrow...I promise!

lana =)