So I am sitting here...well laying here in my bed with the windows wide open listening to all the night time sounds. The wind, the crickets, my sister in her bedroom, and the occasional sounds I don't recognize but I try not to think about those. It has always been so relaxing to me listening to the sounds of nature, no matter what they are. It just brings a lot of calm and peace to my thoughts.
Today was a normal day. I woke up at like 11. I've been getting 10 to 12 hours of sleep the last few nights. Kinda crazy. I had no idea I could sleep that long but hey, I'm not complaining. I enjoy sleep very much. I got to doing some homework ( yay math! ) and then took a shower and headed to my math class. We had a quiz that I was super nervous for but I think I did pretty good. But then again, that's what I thought about the test and look how that ended up. We shall see come Tuesday. I came home from class and then did all of my history homework which took me like two and a half hours. Probably shouldn't have waited to do all that reading and watch a 50 mins video until the last min but I was able to finish everything! Then I messed around on the computer and now I am writing this blog. Yay exciting day!
Well thinking about the quiz this morning got me thinking about lots of stuff which ended up driving me insane today! I ended up thinking a lot about my future. Like if i'm doing what i'm supposed to be doing. I thought for the last couple of years of high school that being a Vet was what I wanted to do. The more I thought about it and watched all of those Vet shows on animal planet, the more I realized that I really didn't want to do that but I wanted to do something with animals. Well that brought me to be a Biology major, well that didn't work out. So I started doing some research and my Mom was also doing some and that's when she came up with this Veterinary Technology program and she kept encouraging me to look into it so I did and it was something that was interesting but I wasn't that into. Well the more she pushed me to look into it, the more I thought that is what I wanted to do. But now i'm thinking, if I don't want to be a Vet, why would i want to do this? It's basically the same thing. So now I don't know what I want to do. Plus I don't even think I will be able to get into the program. It's a challenge for sure and if I don't get in...then what? I just don't know. I still have a couple of years to think about it at least. The gen eds I'm taking now will probably be required for about anything I would want to get into.
I had a plan. I had my life planned out. I was going to go to school, get a degree, eventually my masters. I was going to get the job of my dreams, working out in the research field studying animals and their behaviors. I was going to have the perfect guy, get married, have a wonderful family. It all seemed like it was going to be easy. No problem but now...now i'm scared. it's turning out not to be so easy. I'm afraid that I won't get through college, that everything is going to fall out of place. I mean i haven't done well with college in the past, I'm not doing so well right now, apparently I have horrible luck with guys and I'm stuck as a waitress making hardly any money. Who's to say I won't end up like that the rest of my life. I can't have that happening but I am terrified that it will. I don't know what to do. I feel like I try and try but it gets me no where.
I thought things were going to be better this year. After I got back from washington dc I was so excited to get going and try all these new things and have a great year and everything was going to be perfect. Then I got back that test and ever since then, I'm not so sure anything. I was crushed when I saw that. LIke I had just got my heart broken. I had so much hope and now barely any of it is left. I sunk down into a small depression and can't seem to pull back out. Even my parents noticed. Both of them, at separate times came up to me today and asked me if I was alright cause i've been quite lately ( seriously it's creepy how alike my parents think and now they say things exactly the same ). Of course I lied to them and told them I was fine. But I don't think I really am.
Watching a bunch of chick flicks doesn't help anything either.
I just have to keep telling myself to push through. It's all going to be good in the end. I mean i have my family and my friends to back me up and help me through....at least I hope I do. I think i just need a confidence booster it all. Like hopefully the quiz will help, and then I have a math test on thursday so if I do well on that maybe my spirits will be lifted. But i'm going to try. Try my hardest still to make it through and if I don't, then at least I will know that I did my very best and it just wasn't meant to be. I may be down right now but I'm not giving up. I have put up with way too much to just let it go now.
Everyone stumbles, everyone makes mistakes but that's why we are given second chances right? To learn from our mistakes and do better the second time. That's what I believe at least.
Sorry guys...this is kind of a deep post for me right now. Not too terribly exciting isn't it? I promise to make the next one a lot more happier. =)
Well I think my mind needs a rest, I know I do for sure. History class bright and early! Hopefully Mike is there so i don't have to suffer alone again. After class though I have the rest of the day off so hopefully I can hang with someone or some people or do something fun! Well I hope everyone sleeps well! I know some people are going to be going to bed super late tonight cause of halo =P. Oh and if anyone decides to take a late night walk again...remember to unlock the door before you leave =P at least its not that cold tonight =)
Nigh Night everyone
Lana
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