A sleepless night.

So it is 1:30 am and i'm am laying awake in bed not being able to sleep and I have to get up in 5 hours. Not cool. No matter how many times I tell my brain to shut up, it won't listen! It's driving me crazyyyyy! It all started when I was thinking about the things that i missed. Like having someone to that I can go to to talk about EVERYTHING. Those people who you tell every little detail about everything to. That you can talk to hours on end and still not run out of things to talk about. I miss that. I also miss falling asleep to texts....i never could last very long. I miss having long conversations on the phone and playing the question game. I do miss my sorority sisters too. They were pretty awesome. I miss all the rockband parties we used to have. As you can see there are so many things. But that was just the start.

What's going through my mind you may ask? Well lots of things. I've been thinking how great things are going. How I can feel myself already starting to improve and i feel like i'm going down the right track. I have good feelings about this school year and I"m really happy about it. I finally feel like things are going uphill for me for once. it's an amazing feeling. One that I haven't experienced in a long time. I'm so grateful for everyone who has gotten me to this point also....goodness this is making me tear up....my parents who always supported me with every choice I made, my friends who put up with my moods, my craziness, the times I may have hurt you, and have never left my side through everything, and the doctors who actually gave me hope. I can't say enough times how truly grateful I am to have all of you. I don't know where I would be right now.

I've made so many mistakes in my past that I wish so bad to take back. I've hurt so many people it hurts me. I can't express how sorry I am about all of it. These last 3 years have been tough for me. Lot's of times I was scared and confused. I had no idea what I wanted and there were always so many things going on I could never really think clear. My stress levels were high, I did and said things I never really meant to do or say. I let go of things that I realized I shouldn't have after it was too late. It was all a mess and I don't feel resolved about a lot of things that happened.

That's what has been bothering me tonight. Amongst this happiness, this great feeling of improvement, there is something missing. I'm not sure what that something is though. i have so many unanswered questions about so many things and I feel like if i go on a quest to find those answers, maybe I will find that missing piece. Where to start? I have no idea.

Lot's of other things went through my mind also but I don't feel like I can share those at the moment. Some things are even too personal to blog about.

Well I suppose that is most of it. Unfortunately I didn't not acquire the talent to fall asleep while typing as I was typing this. Which means I have to try sleeping the old fashioned way again. Hopefully it will go better this time.

night
lana